Happy Halloween!

Rob and I hosted a little Halloween get together tonight, and had such a good time. After living in Alabama for about a year and a half now, it's taken some time for us to find a group of friends. We both have wonderful co-workers, but neither of us tend to hang out with any of them outside of work.

Over the summer, we became friends with a girl who lives in our neighborhood-- we bought a new grill and we posted on our neighborhood board that we were giving away our old one. She responded. The day she came to pick it up, we got into a conversation about trivia and she invited us to come to a weekly trivia game with her. A few weeks later, we went and met some really great people. We've been going every Tuesday night ever since, but have never gotten together on any other night.

So, we invited everyone over for some chili, beer, games and scary movies. We never made it to the scary movie part, but we had a hell of a time eating, drinking & playing Scattergories. It was nice to have the house full of friends.

Plus, in a true Halloween tradition, it gave me an excuse to make my favorite creepy cupcakes:

Happy Halloween, Everyone!

Wishful Thinking

I'm choosing to be optimistic today about our path and where we're headed.

I'm doing my best to convince myself that after my appointment in December, we'll be on the right track, I'll ovulate, and within a few cycles I'll be pregnant. I reward myself for my optimism by shopping online for baby items. (You know, for the baby we don't have yet...)

Behold, the Peg Perego Primo Viaggio SIP 30/30 car seat:

I started drooling over this car seat almost two years ago when I first saw it-- long before I was trying to get pregnant. I love green and have every intention of painting our nursery apple green no matter what the sex of our child turns out to be. I feel like it's perfect-- accent with pink for a girl or blue for a boy. When I saw this Green Bubble pattern, I knew it was exactly what I wanted. I bookmarked it in my mind.

Fast forward approximately two years later-- now we're trying to have a baby and will (hopefully!) have a need for one soon. To my disappointment, they discontinued the Green Bubbles fabric after 2008. So, I've been searching online to try to find one.

Here's the thing-- I have no qualms about buying a used car seat as long as a) It's never been in an accident b) It's in good shape & c) It's within the time frame of the safety expiration date for the particular brand.

Enter the problem: Peg Perego's safety constraints are very strict. It's considered the safest car seat on the market-- one of the reasons I want one. They only certify their car seats for 5 years, saying that over time, the plastic can break down so it would be more likely to snap in an accident. Because of the short life of these car seats, if I'm going to get one, it really needs to be a 2008 model-- that way it would be safe through 2013. I need that buffer, just in case it takes us some additional time to get pregnant.

So, friends, if anyone sees one, on ebay or craigslist or in a store, will you let me know?

BTW, Here's the matching stroller, the PlikoP3:

No trouble finding these on ebay & craigslist, and I don't think they have an expiration date. So for now, I'm just on a mission to buy future baby's car seat.It would make more sense to wait until I'm pregnant to buy one, I know, but I fear that it may be long gone by then. Who knows? Maybe we'll end up needing it sooner than I think...

Wishful Thinking.

Always look on the bright side...

In the spirit of positivity, let me just say, "YAY! My doctor called with the results from my last round of bloodwork today!!" I would like to point out that last time, it took a week. Here we are, 3 days later and they have already called. Go, efficiency.

So here's the deal: I was told that all bloodwork looked normal. This time I asked for the specific numbers the first time, so I wouldn't drive myself crazy wondering, then have to call back. (The one thing I didn't ask were the incriments of measurement. Oh well.)

TSH = 3.397

T3= 29

T4= 8.9
P4 = 0.79

How my TSH went from 5.51 down to 3.397 in two weeks, I don't quite understand. When I mentioned it to the nurse she said that perhaps the first lab made an error. If that's the case, then couldn't the second lab have made an error? While I'm happy to see that the levels detected this time are much closer to normal, I'm not so sure I can let this rest. I haven't decided what to do yet, but I may ask them to retest the next time I go to the office. I'm still considering a trip to the endocrinologist.

As for my progesterone results, yep, that 0.79 is an indication that I didn't ovulate-- shocking, I know. (Levels should be around 10.0 if ovulation did occur.)

So, what does this mean? Well, the nurse told me that I need to chart one additional cycle. They'd like me to come in on CD21 again next cycle for another round of progesterone bloodwork (if I do end up ovulating late in my cycle, I'll certainly give them the heads up), then come in on Dec 1st for my yearly pap smear.

I was told that at this appointment we'd talk again and that the plan was to start Clomid. The nurse also gave me the heads up that they might be referring me to a fertility specialist.

How do I feel about this, you ask?

Well, I'm happy that the bloodtests are showing what I already knew-- I'm not ovulating and now this isn't in question. What I'm not happy about, is that no one seems to want to look into this any further to figure out why. Part of me is thrilled to know that there's a plan and that Clomid just may be the thing to help me ovulate. The other part of me wonders why we're not doing additional testing before starting fertility meds. I haven't had any ultrasounds to look at my ovaries or an HSG. Rob hasn't had an SA done. It seems to me that we would want these tests done first to rule out any other potential issues before pumping me full of these powerful drugs.

Rob and I talked about all of this today, and he would also like to get to the bottom of the issue of why I'm not ovulating, but he's comfortable starting the Clomid in Dec (might be Jan, depending on where I am in my cycle at the time of the appointment) if we decide to hold off on any further testing for now. The problem is that our insurance doesn't cover anything "infertility" related, so I have a feeling that I might have some long conversations with Blue Cross/Blue Shield in my future regarding billing codes, what tests are covered and what's not. The Clomid prescription shouldn't cost us much (except maybe time) but these tests could get very expensive if they are all out of pocket.

Instead of worrying about all that I don't know right now, I'm going to try to use this next month to make a list of all of the questions that I have about tests I feel are necessary so that I'll be very prepared for the conversation with my doctor. If anyone has any insight about what to include on that list, I'd love some feedback!!

Decisions

I've made a few decisions today, regarding how I want to continue TTC from here.

1) I quit using the CBEFM today-- not forever, just for this cycle. Since it's become pretty apparent that I'm not ovulating, I feel like every time I pee, I'm throwing away money. At $1 per test stick, it's just not worth it-- I'll save them for a cycle where there's a chance it will matter. Before you optimists tell me not to give up hope, I will finish the box of cheap opks that I have. They have to be used within 30 days of opening them, so I'm not going to waste them. (I've used 15 CBEFM test sticks this month, so I'm simply stopping 5 days early. It will give up on me in another 5 days anyway-- the machine will not let you test for more than 20 days. How's that for optimism?)

2) If my ob/gyn returns my test results next week and offers a plan that is anything less than aggressive, I'll will try to make an appointment with an endocrinologist for a second opinion. As nice as my ob/gyn is, this isn't her specialty, and I want the best care possible. I've been slightly unnerved since last week when I was told that my TSH was at the high end of normal. After lots of reading, I've found that plenty of labs still consider a range of 0.5-5.5 "normal"-- however, these labs are quite behind in offering aggressive treatment for their patients. I'm not advocating taking meds that aren't necessary, but I feel like these elevated levels are directly related to why I'm not pregnant yet. I'm always exhausted, I'm always cold, I've gained weight, my body temps are low and I'm not ovulating. I wrote so much of this off as depression-- but now I'm quite certain that there's another issue that needs to be addressed.

The phrase that I keep running into over & over again on website after website is this: "Some endocrinologists believe that a woman with suspected thyroid disease may have difficulty getting pregnant and/or maintaining a pregnancy at a TSH higher than 2.0." 5.51 is where mine was last week. We've been trying so desperately to get pregnant for almost 8 months now, but is it really a blessing that we haven't had any success? I can certainly say that I would rather feel the frustration and sadness of not getting pregnant, than the emptiness and devastation of losing a baby.

3) I'm going to make it a point to enjoy this time with my husband. So much of our time together the past few months has been plagued by my worries, tears, fears & frustration. In fact, I started worrying about the problems we were going to have the month we started trying to get pregnant. I'm not saying that I'll be able to live worry-free in regards to trying to have a baby. I can't. But I'm going to try to celebrate our progress more and focus on our stagnancy less. I'm lucky that we are going forward with testing now, instead of waiting another four months until we hit the year mark. Instead of being irritated that I have to wait a week for my test results, I'm going to try to focus on the fact that my doctor is doing more tests to help pinpoint what is wrong, how to fix it and find the best way to help us conceive our baby.

I'm going to try remember that this freedom that we have to enjoy each other's company will one day be overshadowed by the needs of a little one: lazy Sundays in bed, trivia on Tuesdays, and dinner date nights will be hard to come by... and while I have no doubt that everything that we'll give up will be worth it, I know that I should savor these things while I can.

I have a feeling that we still have a bumpy road ahead...but I've made the decision to do my best to enjoy the ride.

Testing..1, 2, 3

I made a trip to the doctor today for my thyroid/progesterone bloodwork. Now I'll wait a week for my results. I'm sick of this back-and-forth already.

I can't imagine the frustration that women who go through fertility treatments deal with... the drugs and the constant monitoring, bloodwork, ultrasounds. I'm hoping I don't have to find out about this annoyance first hand. My doctor's office is difficult to get to. I park in a garage, then take an elevator to a main lobby. I then switch elevators and go to the second floor. On the second floor, I take a cross walk into a different tower, where I hop on a third elevator and head up to the 5th floor. The bloodwork took less than 10 minutes. The navigating in and out took almost 30. Ridiculous.

But, if this is what we must do to get our baby, then this is what we'll do. Today's bloodwork will retest TSH levels along with T3 & T4. Additionally, they will (needlessly) check my progesterone levels for a sign that my eggs have decided to jump ship from my lazy ovaries this month-- For your viewing pleasure, here is my chart as of today:


Do you see any indication on that chart that I've ovulated, much less that it occurred 7 days ago? Yeah, I thought not. CD16 I got my hopes up. Nope. Cd20 I really got my hopes up. You see how that went. OPKs are getting lighter every day, so I think Sat was the closest I'll get to a positive. (I even marked it as postive on my chart becaused I needed the self esteem boost.) I feel like giving the doctor's office another lesson in the correct timing of a P4 test. I made them a copy of my charts this morning and asked them to put it in my file. I even pointed it out to the nurse, "See? I haven't ovulated yet."

As much as I hoped having a baby would be easy for us, I had a nagging feeling that it wouldn't. What I didn't count on was that I would practically earn a medical degree trying to get knocked up...

You be the judge...

Are these positive??

I've never gotten a positive OPK, so I'm not sure. These are definitely the darkest lines I've ever gotten, so that's good news in itself, even if they aren't positive. Crappy temps this morning, but these made my night!

Update, 11PM: Took a digital OPK. Negative. I'm still encouraged by how dark those lines are, though... Maybe tomorrow.

Tease

When I got home from work today, I used an OPK. I've been in the habit of using the CBEFM in the morning and a cheap OPK in the afternoon so I don't miss my surge, should it ever happen. Rob came home and we decided to go to a movie, so we left quickly and I walked out of the house without looking at it.

After our movie, we came home and I saw this:

It's not positive, but I got so excited about how dark the line was-- I stupidly got my hopes up again. Then (::slap forehead::) I realized that it couldn't possibly be accurate after several hours(could it?), so I decided to take another one. This is what I saw:

Fooled again, by a stupid pee stick.