Announcing...

After waiting to get the proofs back from our newborn photo shoot, then deciding which photo to use, we finally got our birth announcements in the mail!

Here are our other favorite images that we purchased from the session:

It's amazing how much he's already changed in six weeks. I'm so glad that we splurged and had these taken-- he'll stay a tiny baby forever in these photos. We'll definitely use Stephanie Fisher again for Liam's 1st birthday pictures, if not sooner!

The C Word

"Tomorrow will come,

Today will be gone...

And so I put one foot in front of the other,

and just keep walking on."

-Jason Robert Brown, 13

First, a huge thanks to everyone who commented on my meltdown post. It means so much to me that so many people offered their support, advice and love on a week that was quite difficult!

Overall, we're doing better.

Liam started his Zantac last Monday and although it took a few days, I've seen a major change in his demeanor after feedings. He's still spitting up fairly often, but he's no longer arching his back and screaming after he eats. He also hiccups less than he did before. The major change is that he's napping again-- a surefire way to judge that he's feeling better.

While our feeding issues seem to be vastly improving, we noticed that he still seemed to have this unexplained long period of screaming and crying. Being the worrier that I am, I made an appointment with his doctor and took him in on Thursday morning.

I love our pediatrician-- I could write a whole post about how efficient the office is, how much I love that they have a separate newborn waiting room, how great Dr. Farr's bedside manner is (he calls Liam "doodlebug" and other pet names while examining him) and how I never feel rushed when discussing Liam with him. He takes the time to answer questions and discuss any/all of my concerns. I also feel like he goes out of his way to assure parents that they are doing a good job-- something that every sleep deprived, worrying, first time mom needs.

Our appointment included a full exam: weight check (Liam's up to 9.2lbs!!), a look at his ears, nose & mouth and a listen to his tummy and chest. Everything looked great. We talked a bit about where we've seen improvement since starting the Zantac and what problems remain:

• periods of crying/screaming lasting from 2-9 hours
• episodes always starting late afternoon/early evening
• clenched fists
• flushed face
• clammy skin
• legs bunched then extended
• near impossible to comfort

This is not happening every day (in fact the past few days have been great, but tonight looks like it will be a difficult one) but it seems to be happening 3-4 times a week, randomly. As we discussed these symptoms with Dr. Farr, he got a knowing look on his face and I said, "I know, I know. I don't like where this is going." He gave me a sympathetic smile and said the dreaded C word.

"Colic."

So, there's good news and bad news.

The good news is that it typically peaks around 6 weeks, so we're in the middle of the worst of it. The bad news is that it typically lasts until babies are 3-4 months old. The good news is that there's nothing physically wrong Liam. The bad news is that if there's nothing to fix, there's little that we can do to comfort him when he has one of these episodes. We just have to go in to survival mode.

Research over the past few years has suggested that use of a probiotic has improved symptoms of colicky babies by up to 95%! So, he recommended that we use BioGaia Probiotic Drops every day. I've started adding this into Liam's nightly bottle, along with his Vitamin D Drops and he can't taste the difference. We may or may not see a difference in his colic symptoms, but either way they will improve his digestive health, so it's worth a shot (and $40/bottle!).

I know that every parent faces challenges and this is just one of many-- On the difficult days, I remind myself that all I have to do is get through today & that tomorrow will be better. And it's true-- Thankfully, he rarely has two really bad days in a row. I get a chance to recharge and enjoy him before we have another difficult night.

He's growing up so fast-- and while these nights seem so long, I know that soon I'll look back and wonder where the time has gone, wishing I still held such a tiny baby.

Happy Halloween!

Liam celebrated his first Halloween today-- we went to brunch, then took some fun fall pumpkin pictures.

We also snapped some pics of him in his Halloween costume-- he humored me for a few minutes, then let me know he'd had enough!

Happy Halloween Everyone!

Liam Loves: Bathtime

Liam was desperate for a bath today, so I decided it was finally time to give the Puj Tub a try.

It was the first time I've bathed him alone and I was a little nervous that he'd have a melt down, as he often does when we bathe him on the sponge on the kitchen counter.

He LOVED it!

He was warm, comfy and cuddled in this tub & he never shed a tear. (Neither did I.)

After a rough week that looks like it may not be over just yet (more on that tomorrow), it was awesome to have some fun time with my little man.

And the sweet smell of a clean baby? Heaven.

Breaking Down, Breaking Through

Monday night, I shut myself in the bathroom and cried until I was screaming.

I debated about writing this post. I find it mortifying, but I think it's probably good for me. I haven't really written much about the challenging part of parenting on this blog yet, because I thought, who wants to read about that? Well, I do. I appreciate reading about the challenges that other parents are facing. For all of the amazing moments and sweet pictures and make-me-melt smiles, there are some really difficult days mixed in.

Liam has been crying. A lot.

I know what you're thinking-- it's normal for babies to cry...well, not like this.

Nothing makes a mom feel worse than when her baby is in obvious pain and there's nothing she can do about it because she's tried everything. And nothing makes a mom want to CLAW HER OWN EYES OUT than listening to her sweet baby scream at the top of his lungs for almost nine hours straight-- which finally bought me to my breaking point.

Over the past week, Liam has gotten progressively more inconsolable. He's not really a crier-- if he's crying he's usually either hungry, wet, tired, or needing to be held. We thought that Sunday night was particularly bad, when he cried from around 6pm until midnight. It wasn't that he was fussy-- his screams told us that he was really hurting. Then Monday, things got even worse. He was hiccuping, arching his back, spiting up and screaming-- the thing is, he's been doing this for several weeks, I just never lumped the symptoms together and analyzed them. Well, finally I did.

REFLUX.

He has acid reflux! The reason my sweet baby is screaming like acid is eating through his esophagus is, well, acid is eating through his esophagus. Monday morning, I called his pediatrician who quickly diagnosed him and prescribed him Zantac. Unfortunately, it took a few doses for the meds to get into his system and provide him some relief. In the meantime, he continued to hiccup, arch his back, spit up, and scream.

Poor little man. I know how bad this hurts-- I had horrendous acid reflux all throughout my pregnancy and have dealt with it off and on for years...and for a baby who knows no other form of communication, I can understand the screaming. But understanding it and coping with it are two different things, as it turns out.

Most days, I feel like I have a tremendous amount of patience with Liam, and lucky for me, he's a really easy baby. But then there are days-- the ones where I haven't slept well in a few nights, the ones where he's much fussier than usual, the ones where I'm alone all day and don't leave the house, much less shower or eat a decent meal-- where patience is not one of my best qualities. I'm starting to realize that it's those days when it's so important to take a break.

I'm a control-freak and I'm often convinced that if I'm not doing something, then it's not being done right. Now that Liam is here, this has never been more true. I have a hard time handing him over (even to Rob!) even when I really should. I also have a hard time asking for help. I wanted Liam more than anything and now that he's here, nothing is more important to me than be a good mom.

In my head, this means being with him every second and always being the one to fulfill his needs. In reality, this means doing the best I can & taking a break every once in a while.

BUT, when I need some time away from him (even after a particularly challenging day), I tend to feel like a failure. I quit my job and there's a lot that we're sacrificing financially for me to stay home with him. Admitting that I can't always do it by myself is difficult, but it's something that needs to be done.

Rob wants to spend time with his son without me hovering over him, critiquing his parenting. My parents want nothing more than to spend time with their darling grandson. I have to let go and admit that some time away from Liam is not only good for me, but also good for him. It's impossible for me to be the best parent I can be if I'm not doing any of the things that made me happy before I was a parent or spending any time alone.

Which brings me back to Monday night. I had been alone with a screaming child all day when Rob got home from work at 6pm. He needed to work on a paper for school this weekend but couldn't concentrate with Liam's screams echoing through the house. As Rob packed up his stuff to head to Starbucks to work, I started crying. I knew he needed to get it done, I simply couldn't fathom spending 3-4 more hours alone with the screaming. Once I started crying, I simply couldn't stop. (Just an aside-- Liam, of course, was never in any danger while I was upset. He was safe in his bassinet in our bedroom where I put him when I knew I needed to step away.)

When Rob heard me completely lose it, he took Liam outside for a walk-- with the house quiet, I was able to calm down and take a hot bath. When he returned, he put Liam in his crib (still screaming, unfortunately), came into the bathroom, told me to finish up and get out of the house. He told me to go to a movie, get a cup of coffee, walk around the 24 hour Walmart near our house-- ANYTHING. Just get out of the house and away from the baby.

So, I did. I drove around for an hour and a half, talking to my mom, crying. I was only gone a little over an hour and I didn't even get out of the car, but I returned home calm. When I walked through the door, Rob was holding my sweet baby, feeding him a bottle. He fell asleep after soon after that.

Rob has encouraged me to be more honest about my needs, when I've had enough. He's encouraged me to regularly leave the baby with him in the evenings and get out of the house. I'm simply not able to step aside when I'm home-- I have to leave. I will.

Yesterday, I packed up all of Liam's stuff and went to my parents' house around lunchtime. I handed Liam over the minute I walked in the door and while we were in the same house for the rest of the day, I wasn't responsible for him. I took a shower, took a nap and took some time alone. My parents changed his diapers, fed him bottles and fed me lunch and dinner. My mom made me promise that we'd start doing this once a week. I promise.

Liam's had six doses of Zantac now. The screaming has almost stopped-- I'm sure he feels like a new baby. I've promised that I will allow myself the time I deserve and ask for help when I really need it-- I feel like a new mommy. It might have taken a breakdown to get here, but it's a breakthrough for both of us.

Letters to Liam, 1 month

My Little Liam,

An entire month has gone by since I first saw your face and held you in my arms… and still, it seems like yesterday.

When you were born, everyone exclaimed how much you looked like your Uncle Eric, and you did—but every day I see pieces of your daddy and me in you. Last night, I saw Poppy’s two month old baby picture and you are starting to look very similar to him at that age. It’s amazing to watch you change.

You’ve changed so much over the past four weeks. Your tiny newborn clothes are starting to get shorter as you get taller. Your cute little cheeks have filled out. Your full head of dark hair has started to lighten and thin at the top. (Daddy says you still have more hair than he does!) In the sunlight, I can see little specs sparkling in your deep blue-gray eyes, hinting that they may end up green like me and Poppy’s.

You are so alert! I’ve watched you start to focus on your toys—the mobile above your swing, the dangling animals on your play mat. You’re strong, too! When you’re resting on my shoulder, you are always lifting your head up to see what’s going on. And in the past few days, we’ve seen our biggest reward yet—you are starting to smile at us. There are no words to describe that precious feeling.

You love to eat, you hate to have your diaper changed and you’re already a good sleeper. Our first week together was difficult, but you’ve already settled into a pattern of sleeping about 4-6 hours straight each night. With your bassinet next to my bed, some nights I wake up and watch you sleep… I still can’t believe you’re mine.

As much as you’ve changed, I think that maybe I’ve changed even more. The moment that you were born, I became a new person-- I became a mother. I want nothing more from my life than to protect you, to take care of you and to love you. Every time I look at you, I can’t believe that I had any part in making something so perfect.

It hasn’t been easy. There have been days full of tears (both yours and mine), sleepless nights and times where we haven’t always known just what to do, but being your mom is the most rewarding job I‘ve ever had. You look to me to comfort you & take care of you-- I promise not to let you down.

The past four weeks have been the best month of my life, all because of you.

I love you, honey bee.
Mommy

Happiness

Four weeks ago tonight, I sat in a hospital bed smiling down

at my new son.

Tonight, he lay on the floor and smiled up at me.

Pure happiness.