Worry.

Do you ever feel like you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop?

I do.

I feel like infertility and loss (my own and others) have robbed me of a comfort during pregnancy that I'll never know. I mentioned in my last post that some days, I forget that I'm pregnant. When I realize it, I am plagued with guilt that already, I'm taking this pregnancy for granted, that this second baby is not getting the same attention that Liam did,  that I'm somehow messing up with this baby, before it's even born.

Yesterday was a very cruel day for some women who were ready to become mamas. Several losses, including one mom who lost her second set of twins, are just haunting me today. Add that to my dear SIL's recent loss and I'm really struggling to believe that this pregnancy will result in a healthy baby in my arms in November.

I haven't been feeling this way the whole time... I was actually pretty carefree the first few months of this pregnancy, but I've felt it sneaking in over the last month or so. I so desperately want to support women who are grieving, but I realize that hearing about these tragedies makes me somewhat neurotic. Some recent thoughts:

• Some days, I forget to take my prenatal vitamin. What problems is this going to cause my baby?

• This baby wasn't planned. Does the universe read that as "unwanted"?

• My blood pressure has been high. Will I develop preeclampsia?

• I already have one healthy baby. Am I tempting fate by attempting to have two?

• The tech wrote on my ultrasound report at our NT Scan that she didn't detect a nasal bone. What does that mean?

The last thing, I didn't even mention in my post about the NT Scan because at the time, I really wasn't concerned about it. The Scan went well and the fluid at the back of the baby's neck measured at the low end of normal (perfect). When my doctor went over the report with me she mentioned that the tech wrote in the paper work that she did not detect the presence of a nasal bone (which I know is a soft marker for Down Syndrome). My doc kind of breezed through it until I stopped her and questioned it. She said that it was more important that the fluid measured in the normal range and that it could be that the baby either hadn't developed it yet or that the baby was just turned at an angle that made it difficult to see-- In other words, the tech didn't write that the baby didn't have one, just that she couldn't see it.

 

The doc told me not to worry about it, but you know how we are...we worry about EVERYTHING. Doctors say that everything will be ok...and then sometimes it isn't.

 

Soft markers mean virtually nothing, especially when there are no other indicators of a problem. I keep reminding myself that our odds are very good that we have a healthy baby (girl?) growing inside me. Sometimes I wonder if all of these "advancements" in technology are really doing us more harm than good. Years ago, the NT Scan didn't exist-- and while I'm certainly thankful that these tests help families of babies with issues prepare for what is to come, I also know that they can provide a tremendous amount of worry for women with perfectly healthy babies.

 

I've taken some comfort reading this article: Obstetrical Sonography: The Best Way to Terrify a Pregnant Woman which says:

“What are we trying to accomplish with the sonographic observation of “Down syndrome markers” in low risk women? Think about it! For the tiny residual number of Down syndrome fetuses that may potentially come to light by chasing down every last “marker” we intend to put at least 10% of all pregnant women with perfectly normal fetuses through a great deal of worry.”

Our anatomy scan is 12 days away & in the meantime, I'm trying to separate my reality from others' heartache. I'm hoping I can be supportive, but not torture myself with all of the what-ifs. I'm hoping that the next scan will calm my fears and assure me that all is healthy and well.

Today, I'm just trying to force myself to believe that it is.

16 weeks

Seriously?!?

How is it possible that I'm already 4 months pregnant? The time feels like it's just flying by. With Liam, I was focused on every little moment of my pregnancy, to the point of obsession. It's so different this time. Between Liam & family & work, I have days that I forget that I'm pregnant.

I'm feeling good. Morning sickness has passed and I'm thrilled to be able to toss the Zofran. I'm tired, but not as tired as I was during my first pregnancy. My belly is growing, but thankfully I'm haven't gained any weight. (I'm very hopeful that my weight gain will be minimal, like it was with Liam.)

Last week, I started feeling flutters! I didn't feel them until much later with Liam because I had an anterior placenta. This time, that little fishy swimming feeling was undeniable. It's awesome and I can't wait until it becomes more regular and evolves into stronger kicks that Rob can feel.

Several weeks ago, my blood pressure was slightly elevated. (I think it was just nerves from having the NT Scan.) I was having terrible migraines & had to go into the office to get a prescription refill of my painkiller (Fioricet). Well, they took my blood pressure mid-migraine and, of course, it was sky high, so the doctor prescribed me blood pressure meds. I went to have them filled, but have had a difficult time finding a pharmacy that had them in stock-- in the meantime, when I've checked my blood pressure at home, it's been fine. So, I've decided to delay the meds, keep monitoring it and talk to the doc about it when I go back.

We have our anatomy scan two weeks from today! So excited to (hopefully) confirm the sex of the baby! I'm still feeling like it's a girl, but I have a 50% chance of being wrong. I'll definitely be surprised if I find out it's another boy, but either way it will be great to know. Hopefully baby is less modest than s/he was last time.

When the new baby arrives, s/he will be in the nursery, so we're working on a new room for Liam. We're moving into a new bedroom (and will finally get back to our redecorating plans) and Liam will move into our current room. (Since we live in an old house, there is no Master bedroom-- the rooms are the exact same size.) I'm excited to share the plans for his new room-- I'll post about it soon!

Bathtime: Then & Now

It's amazing how much he's changed.

Just Keep Swimming

We took Liam swimming for the first time today. The sun was shining, there wasn't a cloud in the sky and Liam absolutely loved being in the water. I was a little worried that the pool would be too cold for him and that he would cry, but he was such a champ and had a great time. In fact, the only time he cried was when we took him out to go home!

  I'm so glad that he's comfortable in the water... floating, kicking and playing. He'll definitely sleep well tonight. We can't wait to take him back!



Wordless Wednesday: Liam's New Highchair

I should tell you...

Infertility is, unfortunately, no stranger to my real life circle of friends or family for that matter. One family member adopted, one used fertility treatments & two of my dear friends from college are currently struggling to get pregnant.

The first, has a beautiful two year old son—the result of her 3rd IVF. They’ve just started the journey of providing him a sibling & it’s already been a rough road.

The second, is not as open about her struggles. She and her husband are private people & while she would be willing to answer any question I asked, she does not openly discuss the issue. I do know that they’ve been trying to get pregnant since we started TTC, maybe before. I do know that she’s upset, frustrated, heartbroken that they have not been able to get pregnant so far. Her husband travels a lot for work, so they dismissed much of the first year and a half of trying as just bad timing. But I know that she knows, at this point, there’s something else going on. What I don’t know, is if/when they’ll pursue testing and treatment.

I don’t talk to her as often as I’d like… we live states away & seem to have completely opposite schedules. She doesn’t read the blog & since I’m not on FB (no clue if she is) we don’t keep up that way either. Our communication consists of a few phone calls a year…but even though we don’t talk often, she’s very dear to me and I would do anything to avoid hurting her.

I need to tell her I’m pregnant… and I absolutely dread it.

This girl is the sweetest, most selfless person I’ve ever known. She never puts herself first. Telling her I was pregnant with Liam wasn’t easy, but she was so happy that we were pregnant, I can honestly say that I doubt she even paused to consider the fact that she was not. (You know—the typical I’m happy for you but sad for me IF emotion? I don’t know how, but she doesn’t do that.) She was so happy for us, so glad we liked our RE, so glad the Clomid worked.

But a surprise pregnancy is a different beast.

It’s SO unfair. I know that this is on the major list of IF etiquette no-nos to say this… but I would have given anything for this pregnancy to have been hers instead of mine. She’s been so patient… she’s been so kind, and yet still, she waits. Of course, I’m thrilled about this baby… but I could have waited. She’s waited long enough.

She called me the other day & I stared at the phone ringing in my hand until it rolled over to voicemail. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t break her heart. I couldn’t tell her that, again, it’s someone else’s turn and not hers.

She’ll be happy for me, I know it, because that’s just who she is. But I just want so desperately to have the opportunity to be happy for her…for her to get her wish and bring home her baby.

I’ve decided to e-mail her instead of calling her. I hate doing it this way, but I think that giving her a chance to read the news and digest it however she needs to would be much better than putting her on the spot and forcing her to react over the phone.

So, friends, any words of advice as I write this difficult email? I’m hoping to focus primarily on talking about where they are in their journey, but this news needs to be shared before I get any further along… I don't want her to feel isolated by not sharing the news, but I dread it anyway.



Letters to Liam, 8 months

My Little Liam,

Happy 8 months! My big boy, you are so happy & so much fun to be around. You are constantly smiling and laughing. You giggle like crazy when we tickle you or give you an extra strong hug.

It’s getting warm outside & Daddy & I can’t wait to take you swimming! You seem to love the water so much—you splash and kick in your bath. Speaking of baths, we finally started bathing you in the big tub! You’ve outgrown the sink so we bought you a bath seat and you tried it out this morning. You loved the freedom of being able to sit on your own in the tub. Marmi & Poppy just rented a beach house in FL for August and we can’t wait to go there with them & Aunt Sandy and Uncle Eric!

You’re getting stronger and a little more stable at sitting up. You can sit for longer periods of time without tipping over but you still fall when you try to reach for a toy. You’re not crawling yet, but you’re trying! You lay on your tummy and kick your legs hard enough to get your knees underneath you—you just can’t quite figure out how to go anywhere.

Your fourth tooth (left central incisor) has come in & you are starting to look so different! What was once a gummy grin is now a smile full of adorable tiny teeth. (You’re definitely going to have a gap in the front just like Mommy & Daddy both did.) You’ve started using those teeth to chew little pieces of sweet potato puffs and yogurt bites. You’re eating like such a big boy and I can’t wait to introduce you to more new foods.

Your personality shows a little more each month. I think you are going to be cheerful, but laid back and maybe a little sensitive. I can already tell that you have Mommy & Daddy’s stubbornness though—you get so mad when we tell you no! You love pulling people’s glasses off their face, yanking on jewelry and throwing things. When we say “No!” your mouth makes a tight little “o” shape, then your bottom lip turn down and you start to scream. It’s hard not to laugh, it’s so cute.

I can’t believe all of the ways that you are growing and changing…I marvel at the awesome little boy you are becoming. So many people love you so much, but I love you most of all!

I love you, boo-boo.

Mommy

And one extra-- a favorite outtake: