I said, "Yes!"

I've always hated New Year's Eve.

There's so much pressure to do something big, something expensive & when I was single, the pressure to have a date was worse than Valentine's Day. Every year I would stress about whose party to go to, what bar to be seen at, what I would wear. And as much thought as I put into the evening, you would think I always had a great time... but really, I didn't.

New Year's Eve 2006 was the first that I had ever spent alone and there was something incredibly empowering about it. I had just closed on my first house & New Year's Eve was Moving Day. I was exhausted by the packing/moving/unpacking/etc. and I just really wasn't up to making the effort. So, I didn't. I spent the evening on my brand new couch in my brand new house with my trusty old dog. The pizza delivery guy flirted with me when he delivered my dinner. I put on my pajamas and was in bed hours before midnight. It was the best New Year's Eve I'd ever had, up to that point.

A week later, I met the man who would become my husband. Everyone said that when I bought the house on my own, I would meet the man I would marry. They were right.

Nearly twelve months after we met, we planned a trip Asheville to wind down after the holidays. We planned a really nice dinner for New Year's Eve 2007 and as we were walking into the restaurant, Rob wanted to take my picture. I obliged:

We walked in, sat down and ordered a bottle of wine. The next thing I knew, a waiter came around the corner with a large bouquet of red roses and gave them to me, then walked away. Blushing & flustered, I opened the card-- it said, "I love you. Rob." I looked at him and said something like, "Awww, thank you, honey! You didn't have to do that!"

He looked at me and said, "You're welcome. I'm getting ready to do something else."

::my heart stopped::

Everything was a complete blur as he got down on his knee and said something beautiful about wanting to get married, wanting me to be his wife, wanting to have children together. (He had to repeat it all later-- I think I was just in shock.) He told me he loved me and then said, "Will you marry me?"

I said, "Yes!"

We hugged, kissed, cried and then he said, "Would you like to see your ring?" (He had set it on the edge of the table when he got down on one knee.) He opened the box...

He slid it on my finger...

(It looks so lonely now without my wedding band!)

I couldn't stop staring. Rob knew the style of ring that I wanted-- we had talked in the months before about it being important to me to have a ring similar to my mom's. My mom and I have the same birthday & our birth stone is a sapphire. My mom's ring is platinum with a princess cut diamond and sapphire baguettes. This ring is a perfect compliment and I was so overwhelmed I could barely speak.

I remember being so stunned and speechless that I didn't eat a single bite of the amazing dinner we ordered. I just couldn't believe this had happened. His proposal didn't come out of nowhere-- we had talked about getting married and he had asked me about rings, but I still just couldn't believe that the moment I had dreamed of forever was finally here.

(Photo from Stephanie Wallace Photopgraphy)

After dinner, we had planned to do a candlight tour of The Biltmore Estate. The only thing I remember about that beautifully decorated house was staring at my left hand in every single room. The lights on all of the Christmas trees made my ring sparkle. I was mesmorized.

Needless to say, 2007 quickly replaced 2006 as my best New Year's Eve ever.

Last year, we went out for a romantic dinner on New Year's Eve, but came home early-- we had a very early flight to New England on New Year's Day to visit Rob's family. This year, we had hoped to take a trip back to Asheville to celebrate the two year anniversary of our engagement, but it didn't work out. Now, with all of the house drama going on, I don't really feel like spending a lot of money. In fact, we'll probably just stay in, cook dinner and have a nice bottle of wine while we watch the ball drop. I'm fine with that. I don't want to go out-- I'm starting to think I like staying home even more.

It may not be fancy, but on the eve of 2010, Rob has challenged me to a Guitar Hero Battle.

I said, "Yes!"

(Rob and I, in the exact spot where we got engaged-- 10 months later on our honeymoon.)

Confirmed

Definitely O'd.

I didn't have any fertile signs, but that temp shift is pretty clear.

It's easy to be disappointed that our timing wasn't perfect (like last cycle), but I'm trying not to dwell on that. There have been plenty of cycles where our timing was perfect and it didn't happen for us. So, who's to say that we might not get lucky when we least expect it?

I'm not going to visit Dr. RE for the progesterone shot unless I haven't gotten my period by CD43-- there doesn't seem to be much point. My typical LP seems to be about 15 days so I think that getting the shot might actually delay my period instead if bringing it quicker.

I still believe that our real chance to get pregnant will come when I'm ovulating earlier-- So, I'll call Dr. RE when AF comes so that I'll know if I should start the next round of Clomid on CD2 like last cycle. (She's already phoned in the prescription for me.) I'd also like to get an ultrasound done on either CD2 or CD3 to ensure that my lining is ok and I'm free of cysts as we go into the next cycle. My doc does not do much monitoring on the first few cycles of Clomid, but is open to performing any monitoring I want. I think that it's important, especially when I know women who have developed cysts and thin lining after 50 mg of Clomid like Egg did.

In other news, I should have an update about our house tomorrow. We had someone come over yesterday to measure the moisture in the basement, the walls and floor around the bathroom. It's really bad-- as in, they will probably have to rip out the entire bathroom (the tub, toilet, sink, floor, walls) to repair all of the water damage. The insurance adjuster comes tomorrow between 9-11am to assess our situation. From there, we'll find out how much money we'll get from the insurance company to fix all of the problems. My worst fear is that we won't get enough money to fix everything that is damaged. The best case scenario I can think of, is that we'll have enough money to fix the damage to the walls and floor, be able to put down the new tile we want (tile will have to be replaced if they rip of the floor), possibly tile the wall inside the tub and replace the sink. We'll see...

I'll update when I know something tomorrow!

Maybe, Maybe Not...

Temps were up again this morning-- FF thinks I ovulated & I'm starting to agree.

Still a bit hard to tell, though... We're having a hard time getting a comfortable temperature in our house & last night it was unbelievably hot in here (we seem to be either freezing or sweltering!). Could be the cause of the high temps the past few days. Temps were normal while we were at my parents house for the holidays, but have been high every morning we've been back home. So maybe it's the temps in the house?

-Or-

Maybe I actually ovulated on Saturday.

Doesn't really matter, don't really care. Even if I did ovulate, our timing couldn't have been worse so there's practically zero chance I'm pregnant this cycle.

Here's the positive part-- If I did ovulate, it was on CD28. Dr. RE prefers that I ovulate no later than CD21 so that my eggs and lining are optimal, so I still need to be ovulating a little earlier, BUT CD28 is a HUGE improvement over my past few cycles which have been between CD40-45. It makes me hopeful that 100mg of Clomid might be enough to push me into an acceptable range. I'm just ready to move on to the next cycle & try again!

Paging Dr. Google

With Christmas behind us and a week of vacation ahead of me, I have plenty of time this week to lounge in bed with my computer, catching up on e-mails, blogs and message boards. Unfortunately, I am also left with ample time to research the cause of our barren-ness. Which brings me to my latest Google obsession:

Endometriosis.

I was reading the Infertility message board on The Bump last night and skimmed a few posts about it. It's not something that I've ever really thought about... But last night I started reading some sites and studies and I was kind of surprised at what I found:

1) There is a connection between IBS and Endo. See here.
2) There is a connection between Interstitial Cystitis (IC) and Endo. See here.
3) There is a connection between migraines and Endo. See here.

Why does this cause me to raise an eyebrow? I've been diagnosed with IBS, IC & migraines.

Could this be pure coincidence? Absolutely. But, could there be a connection? Sure.

We have already decided to go ahead and do the HSG next cycle, but now I'm wondering if I should be challenging Dr. RE to consider a laparoscopy (they can do the HSG at the same time) to rule out endo. I don't really know anything about endometriosis, other than I have some of the symptoms and conditions associated with it, but that certainly doesn't mean that I have it. It's not something that Dr. RE and I talked about at my first appointment. I know that a lap is much more invasive than an HSG, and I certainly would dread the surgery-- but it's something to discuss.

Here's a CD30 chart update:

I wish I could say that the temp rise was me ovulating (better late than never) but I think it's just us cranking up the heat on these cold nights. None of my other fertility signs are remotely, well, fertile. I'm going to call Dr. RE's office tomorrow to ask if I can come in on Friday for the progesterone shot. I've taken progesterone pills before but I've never had the shot before--Does anyone know if it brings AF faster than the pills?

Home

We love our home.

When we got married, we started talking about buying our first house-- My parents and I had bought a house together in Charleston, and Rob moved in a few months after we started dating, but I think that he always felt like it was "my" house instead of "our" house. When we moved to Birmingham, we rented a cute house in a an adorable conservative family-friendly neighborhood. We really loved the location, but the neighborhood never really felt like us, and the house didn't seem like ours.

In Fall 2008 we started casually looking at houses. We had a general budget in mind, but we didn't really know what we'd be approved for. We spent lots of weekends winding around the streets of our rental neighborhood (houses were too small and too expensive) then finally branched out to a new area of town, one that was labeled as "up & coming" (ie liberal and diverse). You know this kind of neighborhood-- where one street is fantastic and the next you don't even want to drive down, much less live on.

One Sunday, we turned on to 6th Court South, and it was love at first sight. 5636 was having an Open House that afternoon and we were able to walk through the front door minutes after seeing it for the first time. Rob and I had agreed at the beginning of our house hunting journey that we wanted an older home-- we just knew that newer neighborhoods (as nice as they are) where every 5th house looks the same was not for us. This 1920's Craftsman Style Bungalow was a perfect fit for us. Sure, we gave up some of the convenient features of a new home (like a large master suite and brand new kitchen) but we gained character in original hardwood floors, a sweeping front porch with terracotta tile and a beautiful cast iron pedestal tub. Within three weeks of seeing the house we had made an offer & had signed a contract.

Over the past year, we've developed a love/hate relationship with owning a house. We love that we've been able to make it our own-- that any change we feel like making we can, and that any sweat equity is in a place that is truly ours. But when something breaks? We really miss having a landlord.

Issue #1: Leaky toilet. Our hall bath has an old toilet in it and when I say old, I don't mean 1970-- I mean like 1920's old. The tank attaches to the wall, and the bowl attaches to the tank with a pipe, similar to this. We started noticing that the floor was wet behind the toilet, so we had to call a plumber to fix the leak. Pretty Simple. Thanks Home Warranty!

Issue #2: Air Conditioner. In the hottest part of August (Close to 100 degrees and as we live in the South, the humidity was out of control), we noticed that the house was really stuffy. When really stuffy turned into sweltering hot, we called someone to come look at it. First they thought it was an electrical problem with the thermostat, then a problem with the unit outside, but neither fixed the problem. After three weeks of misery, our entire furnace (which was over 20 years old) was replaced. I don't think we'll ever forget both of us huddled in our (small) bedroom for weeks because we bought a window unit and it was the only room cool enough that we could stand to be in. It was a rough few weeks.

Since then, things have gone smoothly but as any homeowner knows, the list of To Do's never ends. We'd like to add some custom book shelves on either side of the fireplace that I think may have been there at one point-- it's a pretty standard detail on houses built like ours. We want to pull up the carpet in our bedroom (the only bedroom in the house with carpet) and refinish the hardwood floors underneath. We want to install a shower in that pedestal tub to make it a little more usable and we've wanted to re-tile both bathrooms.

We went out of town for 48 hours for Christmas-- just long enough for issues #3-#10 to occur. Ok, in all fairness, we knew something was going on before we left...but we're shocked at how much we're getting ready to have to deal with.

Last weekend when my parents were here, I mentioned to my Dad that our water bill had been really expensive the past few months (like $150!). He did some poking around and said that we must have a leak somewhere and that we really needed to call a plumber. Well, with money being so tight around the holidays, we decided to wait until after the New Year. Yesterday, I received a phone call from my cousin's husband who was watching the dogs and happens to have some plumbing experience-- he asked us to call him back immediately. When we got in touch with him, he let us know that we had a completely busted pipe. He shut off the hot water to the bathroom and told us he'd come over as soon as we got home to show us what was going on...

So, here's what's going on: Yes, the pipe burst, but it has been leaking for a long time. Specifically, this is the hot water pipe for our bathroom off of the kitchen (very unfortunately, it has the only shower in our house). The pipes are in a small utility room underneath the house and the water has not only caused significant damage in that room, but it has also caused damage in the cellar which shares a wall with that room. Insulation is soaked, wood is rotting, the cellar door has mold and mildew all over it. The past few months, we've been noticing that the tile in that bathroom has been loose and have been planning on having it re-tiled. Now we realize that the tiles are loose because the sub-flooring has been absorbing water like a sponge. Until we rip up the floor, there's no way to tell how much damage there is....

Oh, and after dinner last night I turned on the dishwasher and heard a terrible scraping sound. Broken.

I'm not totally freaking out yet. True, this is a crappy situation, but this is why we have Home Insurance. Sure, we'll have to pay a deductible, but they should cover the plumbing, the floor and wall repairs, the tiling, whatever needs to be done. (Looks like new tile in the bathroom may be coming sooner than I thought. I've been wanting a new sink in there, too, so why not go ahead and install one when they tear apart the bathroom?) Our claim adjuster has not called us back yet, but the person we spoke to on the phone even suggested that since that bathroom has the only shower (other bathroom has a tub) it may technically render our house "uninhabitable" and insurance may pay for a hotel. Rob and I both have the week off, so we'll be here as repair men have to come-- as much as I hate dealing with this during a week that's supposed to be relaxing, I think it will all work out.

Oh, and our Home Warranty should cover the dishwasher. We pay a $60 service fee and if they can't fix it, they replace it-- my dad said it's likely we'll get a new one, which would be great. We have a hodge-podge of black & stainless steel appliances-- I'm trying to switch them all to stainless as we need to replace them.

We were warned that buying an older home would not be without its problems-- that has certainly proved to be true this year. Buying this house together was a milestone for us in a year full of big changes. We love this house and can't wait to add to our family in it. While we faced some challenges in our first year living here, I hope that it's nothing compared to the changes that we experience next year.

We're home.

Happy One Year House Anniversary to Us!

P.S. Sorry for the tiny crappy picture-- It was the only one I had handy!

Who is this guy?

Quick Update

Dr. RE's nurse called me back yesterday to give me "the plan", which was essentially the same conversation I had with her Monday. I'm not to take the progesterone prescription that I have-- instead, I'm supposed to wait until CD35. If I haven't gotten my period by then, I need to come into the office where they'll give me a pregnancy test, then a progesterone shot.

I think the nurse already doesn't like me-- while Dr. RE was pleased and impressed by how much I knew about this process and the questions that I asked her, the nurse just seems put off every time I ask a question. She would like for me to blindly follow whatever advice they give me, whether I understand why or not. It bothers me, but I suppose she's just a bit desensitized by having to deal with women who desperately want to get pregnant all day every day.

So, I'll suck it up and do what she said, even though I have a few problems with it.

1) I have not ovulated yet. It's CD25. The lack of a positive OPK, my temps & the progesterone bloodwork proves this. Dr. RE said that she wants me to be ovulating before CD21 (preferably before CD17!). That didn't happen, so what are we waiting for? Obviously, it's still possible for me to ovulate later this cycle, but that brings me to my next point...

2) You want to do a pregnancy test on CD35? Unless I have just been blessed with the second immaculate conception, I'm not sure why we are wasting the time and/or money with this? Last time I checked my biology text book, it was impossible to conceive without ovulating. And just in case this nurse is holding out hope that I may ovulate sometime between now and then, I certainly wouldn't not be far enough along at 8-9dpo (MAX!) to result in a positive pregnancy test.

3) And last, why do I have to come into the office for a pregnancy test and progesterone shot? I have a pregnancy test at home, as well as a Prometrium prescription sitting on my nightstand. If they were monitoring me, I'd have no complaints about having to go in for an ultrasound or whatever... but having to pay the $40 co-pay for things I could do at home really irritates me.

Plus, I have two weeks of vacation time-- CD35 falls on the Saturday before I have to return to work, which means that they would like me to wait until Monday. When we were given two weeks off of work, we were all encouraged to handle any doctor's appointments or personal appointments during this time off. Now what? I'm supposed to make a doctor's appointment on my first day back? I'm not really cool with that. I'm either going to insist on a Saturday appointment or I will ask to come in on CD34.

I'm sorry I'm so cranky... I just believed that seeing the RE would be the end of my long cycles and I'm extremely frustrated that they seem to be content with me having 45-50 day cycles. When I called to let them know that I hadn't ovulated, I felt certain that the day I got my progesterone bloodwork done, they would help me move on. Instead, I'm being told to wait 10 days (for nothing) to go back to the doctor, then an additional 10-15 days to start my period (once I've had the progesterone). We're now looking at mid-late January before we can even start trying again.

Bah Humbug!!

A Bit of a Break

Today is the first day of a glorious Christmas vacation. My office is closed for the next two weeks and although I need to pop in to get some work done, the fact that I'm not expected to be there is a relief. We had a fantastic weekend with a house full of company. My parents came in town on Thursday and stayed until yesterday morning-- every year on the weekend before Christmas, we have a family Christmas party full of aunts, uncles and cousins.

My mom is the oldest of six kids and four of her brothers and sisters and their families live here, so family gatherings are quite an event! Most of us are very close, so getting together is always a blast. There's tons of food and a great gag gift exchange. Most of my cousins are now in their 20's and 30's, but the past few years have seen babies and kids added to the mix (my mom's youngest sister has a 4 & 5 year old and my oldest cousin has 4 year old quads. Yes, I said QUADS.), so the spirit of the party now resembles how it was when I was a child. So much fun.

After my parents left yesterday, my aunt and cousin came to stay with us for the night-- It was so great to visit with them away from the huge group we had been in the night before. My aunt and I have always been close due to our age (she's 11 years older than me & is younger than my husband!) and I've always felt a special connection to her kids. They moved to TX over the summer and I miss them terribly-- this was the first time I've seen them since we took the kids Blueberry picking as a final farewell in August. They've grown so much!!

As fantastic as it was to have a full house this weekend, I'm basking in the silence today. I spent much of the day in a fluffy white marshmallow robe in my bed, watching tv and catching up on blogs and celebrity gossip websites. I've taken several bubble baths (yep, more than one today!), I've wrapped Christmas presents and I had grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup for dinner. Mmm Mmm Good.

This morning, I went to the RE for progesterone blood work-- I knew it would be bad based on the fact that I never got a +OPK and my temps are still all over the place. I spoke with the nurse this afternoon and she gave me the results-- drumroll please....

2!

Trying to look on the bright side of things, I guess I could acknowledge that it doubled from last cycle (which was 0.79), but considering that it should be around 15 for a Clomid cycle, I have to recognize that they're pretty terrible results... I'm not dwelling on that, I'm just ready to move on to the next cycle. Considering that my cycles have been around 60 days since the summer, I was hoping that the doc might let me go ahead and start a progesterone prescription today, but the nurse told me I need to hold off. She said that they usually don't want patients to start the rx until CD35.

It's 10 days of pills, then it usually takes about 5 days for me to get AF after I finish them... If I started taking them today I'd still have a 38 day cycle. If I have to wait until CD35 to take them, I'm looking at a 50 day cycle...I was so hoping that they wouldn't let these useless cycles go on & on...

I wasn't upset at all about my progesterone being so low-- I expected it. However, when I got off the phone and told Rob that I couldn't start my progesterone prescription yet, I was so frustrated I burst into tears. I can work past the disappointment of a treatment not working-- I can't stand the idle time (when we know something didn't work, but can't move on yet to try something else) in between cycles.

I'm trying to be patient, but I'm not doing a very good job.

The nurse said that she would talk to the doctor and make a plan, then call me back. She did mention though, that they would double the Clomid to 100mg next cycle (whenever that starts) and she asked for my pharmacy phone number.

I'm really reaching for a way to spin this into a positive-- at least there will be no stress about trying to get pregnant for the rest of 2009. No OPKs, no timed sex, etc. I can just enjoy the holidays, have sex whenever we want to and prepare for a fresh start in January. I can appreciate that.

I guess.

Final Answer?

I was prepared for this. I'm ok.
Today is slightly better than yesterday and I'm confident that tomorrow will be even better.

I was in such a funk Tuesday. Work was terrible and unbelievably stressful. I am the Director of Development for a non-profit theatre. I'm a staff of one. This is both a blessing and a curse as I have lots of freedom in my job to pursue fund raising the way I want, yet the weight of funding all of our shows and programs (and salaries!!) falls directly on my shoulders. After much lobbying over the summer, we were able to convince our city to include us as a line item in the 09-10 Budget for $80k. Well, our fair city is going through lots of turmoil right now, including a 20 million dollar budget shortfall. I woke up Tuesday morning to a lovely article in the paper that informed me that the city was considering making cuts... and the article mentioned us by name.

I can't describe the tailspin that occurred next... Panic in the office between my Executive Director and I. Months of paperwork had to be pulled. A trip down to City Hall. Advocacy e-mails were requested of our Board, our Youth Program Parents, our Members, our Patrons...I wrote the mayor, the city council, etc. The city's offices were flooded with support. $80k is a lot of money to lose, and not only do I consider what that loss would do to the quality of our productions, but also how it would affect the lives of the 17,000 kids we reach with our Outreach program each year. Hell, I worry about who could lose their job if we can't afford to pay them anymore.

Although we don't have an answer yet, it appears that we have lots of supporters on the city council and they are responding to our advocacy. This should help. We've also been assured that any money that gets cut may be written into next year's budget-- and since the city's fiscal year starts a few months before ours, it's possible for us to get all of the money we need by the end of the year (which is August for us).

Tuesday night, I had a bit of a breakdown. We knew this cycle was a bust and that the Clomid wasn't working. I said to Rob, "I guess I was just hoping that all of my worries were wrong... that the 50mg would work and it would prove that everything is really ok and that we really didn't need much help... but now I feel like..." Rob finished my sentence, "...we know that there really is a problem." I burst into tears and he just hugged me as I sobbed. I've made the mistake of reading several of the infertility articles in the NY Times lately (like this & this) and the nasty comments are crushing. They all came to mind on Tuesday night as I cried...

"If you can't conceive naturally, maybe it's Mother Nature's way of telling you NOT to pursue this."

"Excessive WASTE in medical bills! No one - not one person - is so valuable that such efforts should go into passing on their genes. It is over-the-top narcissism pure and simple."

"Much like baldness and erectile dysfunction, I find it incredible that so much money, time and brainpower is being spent "curing" a problem like this instead of cancer, heart disease or AIDS."

"I would suggest that infertility is God's way of telling couples that they should not have children."

"Having a child is a privilege nature grants you. Sometimes you're not selected for this privilege."

"Nature is a great editor of what should not be."

Obviously, I know that these comments are absurd and that the people who wrote them most certainly take for granted the miracles that their bodies create without assistance. But the fact of the matter is, I am not one of those lucky ones. And in my moments of weakness, these comments really sting. BUT, I REFUSE to believe that I'm not supposed to be a mother. I am so hopeful that our next cycle of Clomid gives my eggs the boost they need and that our journey to become parents will not be a (very) long one... Rob and I have started talking about IUI... I'm not there yet, but we've agreed that if we aren't successful in the next few cycles, we will probably go for it. I have some reservations about it (another post, another time, I'll get over it), but as Rob said, "We want to be parents, so we'll do whatever it takes."

Last night was a good night. I came home a little late (Had to go get my highlighted hair "fixed"-- they did it Tues night and messed it up. Messed it up again last night. Whole other story.) and made some dinner. I made fajitas, my go-to meal when I really don't feel like cooking. Rob and I had dinner together, then I went out for frozen yogurt with my cousin for some great girl time. I was so tired when I got home that I really wanted to start winding down for bed-- I decided to take a bubble bath (Thanks for the suggestion, Courtney!) and guess who decided to join me? My fabulous husband. Things have been a bit icky this week and this reconnection felt amazing. Bed followed, and even though it doesn't look like we'll be making a baby this year, we still enjoy the practice. (And what a great way to relieve stress!!)

Thanks to everyone who helped me get through a really difficult week-- I am so lucky to have people who understand what this feels like. Your comments and hugs mean the world to me!!

Test # 8... $%*&!!!

$%*&!!!!!

I'm having a really shitty day.

I didn't expect today's test to be positive, but seeing that negative was just about the last straw.

I'm having such a stressful day at work that I was physically shaking this morning from the tension. I love Christmas shopping but the strain of buying gifts for everyone on both sides of our families is leaving our bank account in terrible shape. I'm exhausted and I've cried at my desk four times today.

It's cold and rainy. I just want to go back to bed.

Test #7

In anticipation of tomorrow's test (which I'm quite certain will be negative) I went ahead and called Dr. RE's office. I explained to the nurse that I was on CD16 and had not received a positive OPK yet and that I just wanted to know what to do tomorrow, as I was told to test through CD17. She suggested that I test one more day (CD18) to be sure, then stop taking OPKs.

I'll need to go back to Dr. RE for a progesterone test on Monday-- they want to make sure that I didn't miss my surge. I'm pretty sure I didn't:


Based on my blood work, they'll determine how much to increase the dosage of Clomid next cycle. I imagine that my progesterone levels will be very low-- last cycle they were .79 on CD21. These will be taken on CD23. Perhaps they'll be slightly higher because of the Clomid this cycle, but I can't imagine they'd be anywhere near 10-15 (which is what confirms ovulation on an unmedicated & medicated cycle, respectively).

Hopefully I can start taking Prometrium/Provera soon to get this cycle over with and try again!

Test #6

Test was negative again today-- I wasn't surprised. Temps have been up and down like an EKG for the past week and CM & CP don't suggest I'm fertile right now. I feel like I've been able to keep a good attitude so far this cycle-- While I wanted to remember that any day could be the day I got a positive, I also wanted to have realistic expectations about Clomid and what it might do for me. The last thing I wanted to do was go into this cycle believing that Clomid would be the miracle drug that would get me pregnant instantly-- I didn't want to be disappointed. The thought of a Christmas BFP crosses my mind less and less, but I'm still hopeful that I could ovulate in the next few days. If no positive by Tuesday, I'll go ahead and call Dr. RE to see when I can start taking progesterone. I'm not feeling down-- just ready to figure out if the 50 mg was enough... and if it wasn't, move on to next cycle and 100mg.

So, for my project yesterday... well, I had hoped to have more pics to post, but I only have one of the things I was working on complete. For years, I've wanted a Christmas tree skirt, but they are so expensive that I've never gotten around to buying one. Last week I was browsing some patterns online when I came across a free pattern from Amy Butler. Amy Butler is my favorite fabric designer and the buttons on this tree skirt? Adorable. I knew I had to make it.

I already had the green polka dot fabric for the trim and I used the same fabric for the skirt that we used to cover an ottoman and pillows in our living room. (It's a beautiful woven cranberry fabric called Patriot Cherry.) Anyway, the project wasn't too difficult, it was just very time consuming-- I was up until 1am finishing it last night, but I really like how it turned out! The only thing left I plan to do is monogram "Blakely" along the trim. (Please excuse the crappy pics.)

I was hoping to put up pics of the matching stockings that I'm making, but I ran into some technical difficulties tonight while I was working on them. There were tears and I stepped away from it. When I get that frustrated, it's best for me to just walk away. I'm hoping to work on them tomorrow night and I'll post pics when they're done.

Hope everyone had a nice weekend!

Test #5

Since I've been working such crazy hours this past week, I devoted my day to working on some projects that I have really wanted to do, but haven't had the time. I had a very crafty day-- can't wait to post pics of the final products tomorrow!

Test #4 or Halfway There

CD13. Still have 4 more days!
Happy Friday, All!

Test #3

P.S.
Work is kicking my ass right now-- The Christmas show opens tonight at my theatre, so I've been working 12-14 hour days this week and will continue to do so until the end of next week. I don't have much time to write, but wanted to keep everyone filled in on my OPK test results.

So, if you see a post with a negative picture and no text, fear not, I'm not discouraged.
Believe me, you'll hear all about it if I am!!

Test #2

One Negative & A Few Positives

Today was the first day of Operation "See if Clomid Worked." It's CD10 and the first of seven days that I've been instructed to use an OPK between 11am-2pm. I've been preparing for this and I even treated myself to a new little Vera Bradley bag for all of my "supplies":

Inside, there is one Clearblue Easy Digital OPK, ten test sticks and 10 disposable cups. The little bag is cheerful yet discreet enough for me to carry stuff back and forth to the bathroom at work. I think I knew what to expect today, but as I watched the test symbol flashing and waited for the results, I got a surge of excitement-- what if it's positive?

Well, it wasn't. I'm not disappointed-- there are six more days before we determine if 50mg of Clomid was enough to give my eggs the push they need. I have a sneaking suspicion that it won't be... but you never know!! I'm not feeling stressed about it and I'm trying to treat this cycle as if it will be a great success!

Speaking of great successes, I have taken my love affair with craigslist to a whole new level... In a previous post, I mentioned my obsession with the Peg Perego Green Bubbles pattern and how disappointed I was that it was discontinued... Well, I've been scouring craigslist (& ebay) for some time and I ran across an amazing deal-- The car seat and the stroller for $300. The stroller was not the PlikoP3 that I mentioned before (which I still may eventually get as a lightweight travel stroller)-- it was the Skate!!! I called the guy (it was listed in NY) and asked if he'd consider shipping it to me if I paid through Paypal. He agreed, we made arrangements and it showed up on my doorstep on Saturday night. I spent most of the day Sunday taking everything apart, hand washing the fabric, line drying it, then putting it back together. Now I can't stop admiring it.

It's a little silly buying things for the phantom baby, I know, but I'm so in love with it-- and we WILL need it eventually. I'm not superstitious and seeing it does not make me depressed about our infertility-- rather, it reminds me that our day is coming. We already have some furniture for the nursery and I'll continue to gather things as we find them-- by the time we get our BFP, we'll be well on the way to having everything we need.

So tomorrow, I'll take another test and continue to hope,

...that there will be a BFP underneath this tree!

5, 4, 3, 2, 1

Clomid, Round One.

50mg, CD2-6.

Done.

You haven't made much of a fuss so far...

I hope you make your presence known next week!

That is the question

To chart or not to chart?

One of the things that Dr. M mentioned was that, if I don't want to, I don't have to chart my temps anymore. While she appreciates that my charts helped establish how long my cycles are and when/if I believed I was ovulating-- she said that we'll take a new approach from here on out.

This cycle is so regimented compared to all of my previous cycles-- it's like "TTC for Dummies." I love it. Pills for 5 days, digital OPKs for 7 days, done. I either ovulate or I don't. Smiley face or no. There will be no need for studying temperatures or interpreting shifts. There will be a pee stick test, taken between 11am-2pm each day from CD10-CD17. That's it.

Yet, I still feel like I need that backup-- I need to have some record of when I took the meds, when we had sex, when I got a +OPK. I want to get excited about watching my temps steadily rising. I need to see all of the stars align and have the proof that everything came together for us (if it ever does).

So, despite Rob's protests, I'll continue to set the alarm for 5am each morning, fumble for my pink thermometer & Blackberry and record my temps. Then I'll study my chart once or twice a day and wonder if it "means" anything.

I may have let Dr. M take the wheel, but I'm still riding shotgun.

Lucky

"Just tell yourself, Duckie, you're really quite lucky!"

~Dr. Seuss

I've been thinking a lot about my positive experience Monday, feeling like I was lucky in so many ways:

a) I really felt like I connected with my RE.

b) I was able to get all of my labwork and ultrasound done at the appointment.

c) I was able to start treatment immediately instead of waiting until next cycle.

d) So many people left such encouraging, supportive comments for me!

Yesterday I heard back from the doctor about my CD3 bloodwork-- the doctor herself called me (which scared me at first) to tell me that my LH, FSH and E2 levels looked great.

Perhaps the reason I'm the luckiest though, is that I've experienced no side effects from the Clomid. I've heard so many stories about women who were angry, moody and emotional & had horrendous hot flashes. I felt slightly warm a few times yesterday but I don't think I can really count this as a hot flash-- I'm always so cold, the warmth was welcome.

3 days down, 2 to go... then I'll start taking OPKs on CD10, which is Tuesday. I'm so relieved that we only have to worry about our timing for about a week while determining if the Clomid "worked." (Dr M. said that if I don't get a positive OPK by CD17 that she may have me test a few additional days, but no later than CD21.) I can't express how exhausting it's been with these long cycles, waiting to ovulate, having to worry about our timing week after week after week. It's been so stressful-- there's been nothing more trying than "trying." So, I'm optimistic and confident about our efforts this cycle, because we've taken the guesswork out of it. We'll take the tests, time things the best we can if I get the +OPK, then sit back and relax.

Who knows?

Maybe we'll get lucky.

I think I'm in love...

...with our RE.

I can't believe it. I got exactly what I wanted. I feel more relaxed and encouraged about trying to have a baby than I have in over 9 months. Today I was able to do what I so desperately have needed to do: let someone else take the wheel.

My appointment this morning was at 9:30. When I walked into the office, I was the only patient there-- something I saw as a good sign. My former ob/gyn's office always has at least 25 people in the waiting room and, as a result, always has at least a half hour wait. This time? Less than 5 minutes.

I met the nurse and she ushered me into the vital signs area where they weighed me and took my blood pressure which was (surprise, surprise) a bit high. Then I went into the exam room. Dr. M came in a few minutes later, introduced herself and said that she wanted to go through my paperwork with me. Together, we waded through the 10 page questionnaire that I filled out prior to the appointment, looked at my BBT charts, and sifted through my lab work that the ob/gyn did a few weeks ago.

She did a pelvic exam to check my ovaries (good!) and my cervix (also good!)-- I was glad to hear that there was no scaring or problems as a result of the cryosurgery I had about 5 years ago to treat cervical dysplasia. She went ahead and did my CD3 Bloodwork to check my FSH, LH & Estradiol levels. Then, we did a pelvic ultrasound to look at my ovaries and check my follicles. 7 on the left ovary, 5 on the right. All normal!

So, we sat back down, and made a plan:

1) TSH levels are too high. (Physical exam also showed that my thyroid is swollen.) Dr. M says that they should be no higher than 2.5 for a healthy pregnancy. She wrote me a prescription for Synthroid (25 mcg to start) and will test my levels again in 4-6 weeks. (I feel so vindicated, I knew it!)

2) I'm wavering between not ovulating at all and ovulating too late-- she wants to see me ovulate before CD21. She wrote me a prescription for Clomid (50mg) & I'll take my first pill tonight!

The timing of this appointment couldn't have been any better-- if we had been even ONE day off, it would have delayed our treatment a full cycle. But I was able to get all of my bloodwork done today, plus my baseline ultrasound, plus start our first (maybe only?!) cycle of Clomid. Maybe this is the beginning of our good luck on the baby-making front!

The thing that I loved about this appointment was that I felt like every possibility was covered, no matter what happens. She laid out all of our options so that I'm never left wondering what the next step will be. First cycle is 50mg of Clomid-- If we don't have success, we'll increase to 100mg. If no success, we'll move on to 150mg. If we don't get pregnant within 3 cycles of Clomid, she will order both an SA for Rob and an HSG for me, but otherwise, she left the timing up to me. I can do it now or wait and see what happens-- I think I'd like to wait.

If we don't have success after three cycles of Clomid, we'll move on to injectibles. She put the option of IUI out on the table and let me know she'd be happy to do one on whatever cycle I choose. I explained that I'm really not ready to give up on the idea that our baby could be created at home in our bed instead of with my feet in stirrups at the doctor's office-- she understood completely. She just wanted me to know what my options were. If we do move on to IUI, she mentioned that we could bank semen samples if needed, so that if Rob was out of town when I was ovulating, they could inseminate me with the frozen samples. (Obviously, fresh is preferable, but Rob travels for work and school, so it may be something for us to consider if we move on to IUI.)

We breezed over some IVF details, but I really wasn't interested in talking much about them. I'm so hopeful that these other options will work for us, that all we need is a little hormonal help to get everything aligned properly.

My experience was just so unbelievably positive-- I never felt rushed, I never felt like I was being pushed in any direction that I wasn't on board with, and I never felt like she was speaking down to me. She appreciated how much I knew about my body, how much I knew about my options & told me that she wishes all of her patients were as well prepared for their appointments as I was.

So, the immediate plan:

Take Synthroid every morning starting tomorrow, 30 minutes before breakfast.

Take 50mg Clomid from CD2 (Tonight) until CD6 (Friday). Use OPKs from CD10-CD17. She recommended ClearBlue Easy Digital OPKs which is awesome, because I have tons of test sticks from the CBEFM that I can use with it. The results show either a smiley face or no smiley face-- no interpreting how dark a line is, thank God. (She asked me to test between 11am-2pm each day, so I'm going to have to find a way to discreetly test at work.) The best news is that if I ovulate during those 7 days, I'll either get pregnant or get my period in a reasonable period of time. If I don't ovulate, they'll start a progesterone prescription to bring on my period and get things started-- either way, no more 60 day cycles.

I practically floated through my day, feeling giddy with the possibility that this cycle holds. And when I came home from work tonight, there was a beautiful bouquet of pink Gerber daisies on the counter (my favorite) next to a bottle of Biltmore Pinot Noir (where spent our engagement & honeymoon) in celebration of our first appointment.

::swoon::

I think the only thing better than being in love with your RE, is being in love with your husband.

1 Down, 1 To Go

Late last night, I started spotting-- While I felt that typical twinge of disappointment at another failed cycle (My sore breasts for the last week gave me a little glimmer of hope that I kept trying to talk myself out of, but was never really able to.), I really was relieved that my period held off long enough to ensure that whatever tests that the RE orders can be done this cycle. So today is officially CD1.

The RE appointment is tomorrow. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm a bit sad that it's come to this, but I'm happy to be moving forward and getting some help. We're into our 7th cycle, and halfway through our 9th month. I started worrying the first month that we started trying to get pregnant that something was wrong. I don't know why, but I've always had a feeling that I wouldn't get pregnant easily. I don't know if it was just because I've always wanted it so much? I was a nanny all through college and every time I held those babies, I thought about how it would feel when the baby I was holding was finally mine. I still think about it, every single day.

When I got married, I planned most of the details of our wedding on my own-- picking out everything I wanted, making lists, sketching exactly how I wanted things to be. It wasn't until the day of our wedding that I was finally able to turn the details over to someone else, our wedding designer, who knew exactly what I wanted. She made my dreams come true. And having her there, knowing that my goals were her goals-- that peace of mind was priceless.

Over the past 9 months, I've felt like I've constantly had to be one step ahead of my ob/gyn: requesting tests, researching results, deferring meds. I'm ready for someone else to schedule the tests, interpret the results (correctly!) and make an aggressive yet comfortable plan for us.

This what I want more than anything tomorrow-- I'm ready to turn this over. I'm ready for someone to take the worry of trying to have a baby out of my hands. She knows what I want and will (hopefully) know what to do to make my dreams come true. The peace of mind & knowing that my goals are her goals will be priceless.

I'm looking forward to writing an update tomorrow night!

Happy Thanksgiving

Enjoying a lovely trip to SC with my husband, parents & brother. Ate way too much turkey today (baby not included).

Among many things to be thankful for this year, I got my progesterone results back yesterday. 10.2!! Definitely ovulated. Wish that it had been earlier in my cycle and wish that our timing had been better-- but you win some, you lose some, you know?

Happy Turkey Day, All!

Kate's Turn

Head on over t0 Mommy Kate's to see what she's thankful for this year & watch the most adorable video ever.

Congrats, Kate & Benjamin!!!

P.S. I just found out that it's Courtney's turn, too!!! Congrats Courtney & Clint!!!

Affirmation

I went in this morning for my progesterone blood work. As the nurse prepared my arm, she made conversation:

Her: "So, what cycle day are you on?"
Me: "49."
Her (taking a step back and blinking): "Do you mean 29?"
Me: "No, I mean 49."

Her: "And you know you're seven days past ovulation?"
Me: "Nine, actually. The Doc said to come in between 7-10dpo."

Her: "And how do you know?"
Me: "I chart my temperatures and had a thermal shift."
Her: "Well, ok... ... ..."

I then had to go through the whole deal about me having long cycles, ovulating late or not at all, that I already had one P4 test on CD21 but that I was told to come back if I see a temp shift, that I'm going to an RE next week and I just need to know if I'm ovulating late or not at all. The good news is that she thinks my results should be back by Wednesday of this week.

Just thinking about my interaction with this nurse affirmed that we're moving in the right direction by going to the RE. I'll be so thankful when I don't have to explain to a new nurse every time I walk through the door what's going on with me. Our fertility clinic is small (only 3 doctors) so I'm fairly certain that this won't be a regular occurrence. (I know that some clinics even "assign" you a nurse. Personal attention? ::Swoon::)

Today was, most likely, the last time I'll set foot in that ob/gyn's office and it feels GREAT. I needed to get my blood work done there, but now I'm making a clean break. I called and canceled my appointment for next week and set up an appointment with a new doctor in another office. The new doc's office is still in the hospital where I want to eventually deliver and I'm feeling confident that I'll like her.

Feeling like next week will be a fresh start in so many ways. Can't wait!

In A Good Place

Sorry that I haven't posted in a few days-- I haven't really had much to write about!

I'm at peace with whatever my body has decided to do this cycle. My temps for the past few days suggest that it's very possible that I ovulated on the day FF added my dotted CH. I'm going in on Monday for a progesterone test so that I don't have to wonder, but it really won't change the outcome. I would just like to be able to tell the RE whether I'm ovulating really late or not at all. (8 days until the big day!)

I've been doing a lot of reading about late ovulation lately-- I know how anovulation is linked to infertility, but I wanted to understand how late ovulation is linked. Here's one of the many things I read:

"The reason why late ovulation and infertility are linked is because of certain physiological reasons. For one, during late ovulation, the lining of the uterus gets older for successful implantation and therefore, makes it less receptive for fertilization. If you have long cycles on a regular basis, cycles that last longer than 35 days then you ovulate less than what is considered normal; further decreasing your chances of getting pregnant. Consider this; if you ovulate on the 22nd day of your menstrual cycle and your cycle lasts about 40 days, then you are ovulating comparatively less (about 9 times a year) than someone with a 28-day or a 30-day cycle (about 12-13 times a year). Also, with late ovulation the eggs don’t mature properly and as a result, are not good for fertilization and implantation. Your hormone levels are not exactly conducive for the eggs, hence decreasing your chances of pregnancy."

Makes sense, and whether I'm ovulating really late or not at all, I feel pretty certain that Clomid will be the first step (after the appropriate tests, of course). Rob and I have talked and we're ok with that-- I would just rather it be under the watchful eye of my RE, rather than a busy ob/gyn.

I never took the progesterone prescription that I had filled-- I was trying to time getting my period with the appointment, then I started questioning if I had ovulated right around the time I was going to start taking it. I'm glad I waited-- if I had taken it, I wouldn't be able to go in for this blood work on Monday, as it would have elevated my progesterone levels. And the good news is that, if my LP is around 15 days, it looks like I should be getting my period right around the time of the appointment, which means that we can do CD3 blood work right away if the RE orders it (which I certainly hope she does!!). I'm crossing my fingers that maybe AF will hold off until the day after-- it would be great if I could get an ultrasound at the first appointment!!

I'm grateful that Thanksgiving is this week. I have to work Monday & Tuesday, but I have the rest of the week off. We'll be traveling to SC to visit my parents on Thursday and on Friday, I'm thrilled to say that we're heading to Charleston. I miss the town where we fell in love, where we got married, where we became a family. It will be a short trip (probably just the day) but we'll see our old home, eat at our favorite restaurant, see the plantation where we got married, and maybe, if it's not too cold, take a walk on the beach. I. Can't. Wait.

My weekend has been consumed by my work on a RIDICULOUS 21 page grant application-- it's not due until December 1st, but I need to finish it before I take a break the second half of this week. I spent almost 5 hours on one page of financials today! It's going to take several more hours of work, but I'm hoping to have it finished by early afternoon tomorrow, so that Monday and Tuesday will be relatively stress free at work.

The only thing left to do before Thanksgiving is hound my old physician's office for my medical records-- I called twice last week and got a recording from the Medical Records Department that my call would be returned within 24 hours. No one has returned either call, even after I stressed in my message that I needed someone to call back on Friday. Monday morning I will call the receptionist at the appointment desk and tell her that I want to speak with someone. Don't transfer me to that voicemail again!!

Posting will most likely be sporadic this week as I try to enjoy a restful holiday.

I have so much to be thankful for!!

I Have a Feeling...

...that I had a complete meltdown yesterday for no reason.

Yesterday, FF was so sure that I had ovulated.
Today, my fickle friend seems to be second guessing herself.
Figures.

I'll still have to wait a few days and see what the temps do,
but I'm in a much better place today, regardless of what happens.

In the wise words of The Impatient Optimist:
"Just remember that not getting pregnant in a particular cycle is not a judgment on how hard you worked or how much you wanted it."

I want it. And my RE is going to help me get it.
The Countdown is on: 12 days!!

Kreativity

Special thanks to Courtney for being a bright spot on a dark day-- she gave me this fun award today!

So, the things I must do as the recipient of the Kreativ Blogger are:

1) List seven things about myself that others may not know.

2) Pass along the award to seven other people.

Here we go:

1) I met my husband on Match.com. I thought it was totally lame, but a friend talked me into signing up. Rob winked at me about 12 hours after I created my account. We e-mailed back and forth for a few weeks then we talked on the phone. A week later we went out to dinner, 4 months later he moved in and 6 months after that (just before our first anniversary) he proposed late December.

2) Asheville, NC is my favorite place to visit. I love the beautiful mountains (especially in the fall!), touring the Biltmore, breakfast at The Early Girl Eatery, buying art at Woolworth Walk, and the spa at Grove Park Inn. Rob proposed there in front of the fireplace at the Sunset Terrace on New Year's Eve and we returned to Asheville for our honeymoon. I can't wait to go back!

3) I was a vegetarian for 12 years. Now, I eat chicken, turkey & fish, but I still don't eat beef or pork. Probably never will.

4) I made almost everything for our wedding: from personalized bottles of water and hand stamped lowcountry grits packages to our programs and menus. I handmade chocolate seashells and tied ribbons around bells for guests to ring and swizzlesticks for our signature cocktails. I embroidered our married monogram on 100 linen napkins for our sit-down dinner. The stress of trying to get everything done just about killed me. It was completely worth it.

5) My favorite book is The Red Tent by Anita Diamant. I'm not religious, but this fictional story based on Dinah, Jacob's only daughter introduced in the book of Genesis, absolutely fascinates me. The strength and complicated relationships of the women in this book never fail to capture my attention and imagination. I've read it at least 2o times.

6) I love to give gifts-- I love planning, shopping, wrapping, surprising. One of my best gifts: My mom is one of those women who has everything so a few years ago, I decided to learn to sew and make a quilt to give her for her birthday (our birthday, actually!).

7) I love my puppies!! Tate (the black one) is almost five & Chloe (the brown one) is almost three. Tate is a crazy hyper boy and Chloe is a sweet and cuddly girl. They are polar opposites. I couldn't love them more!

And now...the Kreativ Blogger Award goes to...

::drumroll, please::

a+b, waiting for c

A Baby For Al?

From If to When

Park Slope Purgatory

The Impatient Optimist

This Place is Now a Home

Three is a Magic Number

Where Hope Grows, Miracles Blossom

...Tag, you're it!

Ok, I realize that this is 8 people, not 7-- but these ladies have all offered me support these past few months through their comments or their own posts and I just couldn't narrow it down.

Have fun and be Kreativ!

I Should Be Happy...

Who would have thought that the act of taking your temperature could spark tears that would last over an hour at 5am?

What I should feel is, "I think I may have ovulated, finally! YAY!"

What I actually feel is doubt, frustration and sadness. My charts have suggested I may have ovulated before, but never with solid CHs. FF seems pretty sure this time. Last month it was dotted CHs but only after I started taking the progesterone pills-- so I don't think that I did ovulate. And who knows? If I end up having lower temps in the next few days, FF may take away those CHs this cycle.

My tears this morning caused such tension with my husband... whose "fault" was it that we completely missed any possible fertile period? The truth is that we had both given up on this cycle. We got lazy about making an effort, just when it might have mattered most, and that makes me so upset. I'm really grieving the opportunity we may have lost this cycle-- the one that might have made us parents.

Our argument ended quickly with Rob (Thank you, honey. I love you.) telling me that he understands why I'm upset-- this of course made me cry harder. He asked me to try not to be upset-- After all, we didn't think we'd get pregnant this month anyway. He's right, but it still feels like a chance has slipped through our fingers.

Really, at this point, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I should take comfort in the fact that my body may have done the unthinkable: ovulate on its own. But I can't. Ovulating on CD40 is not really a good thing. It's not impossible to get pregnant ovulating that late, but it's very unlikely. The egg probably has not matured properly, hormone levels are likely off, and implantation would be difficult because my endometrial lining is old. Eww.

But still, it happens sometimes. So, I feel the pressure of possibility.

I realize that I need to cut myself (and Rob) some slack. I really do. We're closing in on nine months of worrying. 117 days straight of setting the alarm and waking up at 5am to take my temp. OPKs, Fertility Monitors, Saliva Tests, Checking CP & CM, Sex on Demand. Really, I've done everything I can do. Everything that we can do.

And yet, it never feels like it's enough.