I think I'm in love...

...with our RE.

I can't believe it. I got exactly what I wanted. I feel more relaxed and encouraged about trying to have a baby than I have in over 9 months. Today I was able to do what I so desperately have needed to do: let someone else take the wheel.

My appointment this morning was at 9:30. When I walked into the office, I was the only patient there-- something I saw as a good sign. My former ob/gyn's office always has at least 25 people in the waiting room and, as a result, always has at least a half hour wait. This time? Less than 5 minutes.

I met the nurse and she ushered me into the vital signs area where they weighed me and took my blood pressure which was (surprise, surprise) a bit high. Then I went into the exam room. Dr. M came in a few minutes later, introduced herself and said that she wanted to go through my paperwork with me. Together, we waded through the 10 page questionnaire that I filled out prior to the appointment, looked at my BBT charts, and sifted through my lab work that the ob/gyn did a few weeks ago.

She did a pelvic exam to check my ovaries (good!) and my cervix (also good!)-- I was glad to hear that there was no scaring or problems as a result of the cryosurgery I had about 5 years ago to treat cervical dysplasia. She went ahead and did my CD3 Bloodwork to check my FSH, LH & Estradiol levels. Then, we did a pelvic ultrasound to look at my ovaries and check my follicles. 7 on the left ovary, 5 on the right. All normal!

So, we sat back down, and made a plan:

1) TSH levels are too high. (Physical exam also showed that my thyroid is swollen.) Dr. M says that they should be no higher than 2.5 for a healthy pregnancy. She wrote me a prescription for Synthroid (25 mcg to start) and will test my levels again in 4-6 weeks. (I feel so vindicated, I knew it!)

2) I'm wavering between not ovulating at all and ovulating too late-- she wants to see me ovulate before CD21. She wrote me a prescription for Clomid (50mg) & I'll take my first pill tonight!

The timing of this appointment couldn't have been any better-- if we had been even ONE day off, it would have delayed our treatment a full cycle. But I was able to get all of my bloodwork done today, plus my baseline ultrasound, plus start our first (maybe only?!) cycle of Clomid. Maybe this is the beginning of our good luck on the baby-making front!

The thing that I loved about this appointment was that I felt like every possibility was covered, no matter what happens. She laid out all of our options so that I'm never left wondering what the next step will be. First cycle is 50mg of Clomid-- If we don't have success, we'll increase to 100mg. If no success, we'll move on to 150mg. If we don't get pregnant within 3 cycles of Clomid, she will order both an SA for Rob and an HSG for me, but otherwise, she left the timing up to me. I can do it now or wait and see what happens-- I think I'd like to wait.

If we don't have success after three cycles of Clomid, we'll move on to injectibles. She put the option of IUI out on the table and let me know she'd be happy to do one on whatever cycle I choose. I explained that I'm really not ready to give up on the idea that our baby could be created at home in our bed instead of with my feet in stirrups at the doctor's office-- she understood completely. She just wanted me to know what my options were. If we do move on to IUI, she mentioned that we could bank semen samples if needed, so that if Rob was out of town when I was ovulating, they could inseminate me with the frozen samples. (Obviously, fresh is preferable, but Rob travels for work and school, so it may be something for us to consider if we move on to IUI.)

We breezed over some IVF details, but I really wasn't interested in talking much about them. I'm so hopeful that these other options will work for us, that all we need is a little hormonal help to get everything aligned properly.

My experience was just so unbelievably positive-- I never felt rushed, I never felt like I was being pushed in any direction that I wasn't on board with, and I never felt like she was speaking down to me. She appreciated how much I knew about my body, how much I knew about my options & told me that she wishes all of her patients were as well prepared for their appointments as I was.

So, the immediate plan:

Take Synthroid every morning starting tomorrow, 30 minutes before breakfast.

Take 50mg Clomid from CD2 (Tonight) until CD6 (Friday). Use OPKs from CD10-CD17. She recommended ClearBlue Easy Digital OPKs which is awesome, because I have tons of test sticks from the CBEFM that I can use with it. The results show either a smiley face or no smiley face-- no interpreting how dark a line is, thank God. (She asked me to test between 11am-2pm each day, so I'm going to have to find a way to discreetly test at work.) The best news is that if I ovulate during those 7 days, I'll either get pregnant or get my period in a reasonable period of time. If I don't ovulate, they'll start a progesterone prescription to bring on my period and get things started-- either way, no more 60 day cycles.

I practically floated through my day, feeling giddy with the possibility that this cycle holds. And when I came home from work tonight, there was a beautiful bouquet of pink Gerber daisies on the counter (my favorite) next to a bottle of Biltmore Pinot Noir (where spent our engagement & honeymoon) in celebration of our first appointment.

::swoon::

I think the only thing better than being in love with your RE, is being in love with your husband.

1 Down, 1 To Go

Late last night, I started spotting-- While I felt that typical twinge of disappointment at another failed cycle (My sore breasts for the last week gave me a little glimmer of hope that I kept trying to talk myself out of, but was never really able to.), I really was relieved that my period held off long enough to ensure that whatever tests that the RE orders can be done this cycle. So today is officially CD1.

The RE appointment is tomorrow. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm a bit sad that it's come to this, but I'm happy to be moving forward and getting some help. We're into our 7th cycle, and halfway through our 9th month. I started worrying the first month that we started trying to get pregnant that something was wrong. I don't know why, but I've always had a feeling that I wouldn't get pregnant easily. I don't know if it was just because I've always wanted it so much? I was a nanny all through college and every time I held those babies, I thought about how it would feel when the baby I was holding was finally mine. I still think about it, every single day.

When I got married, I planned most of the details of our wedding on my own-- picking out everything I wanted, making lists, sketching exactly how I wanted things to be. It wasn't until the day of our wedding that I was finally able to turn the details over to someone else, our wedding designer, who knew exactly what I wanted. She made my dreams come true. And having her there, knowing that my goals were her goals-- that peace of mind was priceless.

Over the past 9 months, I've felt like I've constantly had to be one step ahead of my ob/gyn: requesting tests, researching results, deferring meds. I'm ready for someone else to schedule the tests, interpret the results (correctly!) and make an aggressive yet comfortable plan for us.

This what I want more than anything tomorrow-- I'm ready to turn this over. I'm ready for someone to take the worry of trying to have a baby out of my hands. She knows what I want and will (hopefully) know what to do to make my dreams come true. The peace of mind & knowing that my goals are her goals will be priceless.

I'm looking forward to writing an update tomorrow night!

Happy Thanksgiving

Enjoying a lovely trip to SC with my husband, parents & brother. Ate way too much turkey today (baby not included).

Among many things to be thankful for this year, I got my progesterone results back yesterday. 10.2!! Definitely ovulated. Wish that it had been earlier in my cycle and wish that our timing had been better-- but you win some, you lose some, you know?

Happy Turkey Day, All!

Kate's Turn

Head on over t0 Mommy Kate's to see what she's thankful for this year & watch the most adorable video ever.

Congrats, Kate & Benjamin!!!

P.S. I just found out that it's Courtney's turn, too!!! Congrats Courtney & Clint!!!

Affirmation

I went in this morning for my progesterone blood work. As the nurse prepared my arm, she made conversation:

Her: "So, what cycle day are you on?"
Me: "49."
Her (taking a step back and blinking): "Do you mean 29?"
Me: "No, I mean 49."

Her: "And you know you're seven days past ovulation?"
Me: "Nine, actually. The Doc said to come in between 7-10dpo."

Her: "And how do you know?"
Me: "I chart my temperatures and had a thermal shift."
Her: "Well, ok... ... ..."

I then had to go through the whole deal about me having long cycles, ovulating late or not at all, that I already had one P4 test on CD21 but that I was told to come back if I see a temp shift, that I'm going to an RE next week and I just need to know if I'm ovulating late or not at all. The good news is that she thinks my results should be back by Wednesday of this week.

Just thinking about my interaction with this nurse affirmed that we're moving in the right direction by going to the RE. I'll be so thankful when I don't have to explain to a new nurse every time I walk through the door what's going on with me. Our fertility clinic is small (only 3 doctors) so I'm fairly certain that this won't be a regular occurrence. (I know that some clinics even "assign" you a nurse. Personal attention? ::Swoon::)

Today was, most likely, the last time I'll set foot in that ob/gyn's office and it feels GREAT. I needed to get my blood work done there, but now I'm making a clean break. I called and canceled my appointment for next week and set up an appointment with a new doctor in another office. The new doc's office is still in the hospital where I want to eventually deliver and I'm feeling confident that I'll like her.

Feeling like next week will be a fresh start in so many ways. Can't wait!

In A Good Place

Sorry that I haven't posted in a few days-- I haven't really had much to write about!

I'm at peace with whatever my body has decided to do this cycle. My temps for the past few days suggest that it's very possible that I ovulated on the day FF added my dotted CH. I'm going in on Monday for a progesterone test so that I don't have to wonder, but it really won't change the outcome. I would just like to be able to tell the RE whether I'm ovulating really late or not at all. (8 days until the big day!)

I've been doing a lot of reading about late ovulation lately-- I know how anovulation is linked to infertility, but I wanted to understand how late ovulation is linked. Here's one of the many things I read:

"The reason why late ovulation and infertility are linked is because of certain physiological reasons. For one, during late ovulation, the lining of the uterus gets older for successful implantation and therefore, makes it less receptive for fertilization. If you have long cycles on a regular basis, cycles that last longer than 35 days then you ovulate less than what is considered normal; further decreasing your chances of getting pregnant. Consider this; if you ovulate on the 22nd day of your menstrual cycle and your cycle lasts about 40 days, then you are ovulating comparatively less (about 9 times a year) than someone with a 28-day or a 30-day cycle (about 12-13 times a year). Also, with late ovulation the eggs don’t mature properly and as a result, are not good for fertilization and implantation. Your hormone levels are not exactly conducive for the eggs, hence decreasing your chances of pregnancy."

Makes sense, and whether I'm ovulating really late or not at all, I feel pretty certain that Clomid will be the first step (after the appropriate tests, of course). Rob and I have talked and we're ok with that-- I would just rather it be under the watchful eye of my RE, rather than a busy ob/gyn.

I never took the progesterone prescription that I had filled-- I was trying to time getting my period with the appointment, then I started questioning if I had ovulated right around the time I was going to start taking it. I'm glad I waited-- if I had taken it, I wouldn't be able to go in for this blood work on Monday, as it would have elevated my progesterone levels. And the good news is that, if my LP is around 15 days, it looks like I should be getting my period right around the time of the appointment, which means that we can do CD3 blood work right away if the RE orders it (which I certainly hope she does!!). I'm crossing my fingers that maybe AF will hold off until the day after-- it would be great if I could get an ultrasound at the first appointment!!

I'm grateful that Thanksgiving is this week. I have to work Monday & Tuesday, but I have the rest of the week off. We'll be traveling to SC to visit my parents on Thursday and on Friday, I'm thrilled to say that we're heading to Charleston. I miss the town where we fell in love, where we got married, where we became a family. It will be a short trip (probably just the day) but we'll see our old home, eat at our favorite restaurant, see the plantation where we got married, and maybe, if it's not too cold, take a walk on the beach. I. Can't. Wait.

My weekend has been consumed by my work on a RIDICULOUS 21 page grant application-- it's not due until December 1st, but I need to finish it before I take a break the second half of this week. I spent almost 5 hours on one page of financials today! It's going to take several more hours of work, but I'm hoping to have it finished by early afternoon tomorrow, so that Monday and Tuesday will be relatively stress free at work.

The only thing left to do before Thanksgiving is hound my old physician's office for my medical records-- I called twice last week and got a recording from the Medical Records Department that my call would be returned within 24 hours. No one has returned either call, even after I stressed in my message that I needed someone to call back on Friday. Monday morning I will call the receptionist at the appointment desk and tell her that I want to speak with someone. Don't transfer me to that voicemail again!!

Posting will most likely be sporadic this week as I try to enjoy a restful holiday.

I have so much to be thankful for!!

I Have a Feeling...

...that I had a complete meltdown yesterday for no reason.

Yesterday, FF was so sure that I had ovulated.
Today, my fickle friend seems to be second guessing herself.
Figures.

I'll still have to wait a few days and see what the temps do,
but I'm in a much better place today, regardless of what happens.

In the wise words of The Impatient Optimist:
"Just remember that not getting pregnant in a particular cycle is not a judgment on how hard you worked or how much you wanted it."

I want it. And my RE is going to help me get it.
The Countdown is on: 12 days!!

Kreativity

Special thanks to Courtney for being a bright spot on a dark day-- she gave me this fun award today!

So, the things I must do as the recipient of the Kreativ Blogger are:

1) List seven things about myself that others may not know.

2) Pass along the award to seven other people.

Here we go:

1) I met my husband on Match.com. I thought it was totally lame, but a friend talked me into signing up. Rob winked at me about 12 hours after I created my account. We e-mailed back and forth for a few weeks then we talked on the phone. A week later we went out to dinner, 4 months later he moved in and 6 months after that (just before our first anniversary) he proposed late December.

2) Asheville, NC is my favorite place to visit. I love the beautiful mountains (especially in the fall!), touring the Biltmore, breakfast at The Early Girl Eatery, buying art at Woolworth Walk, and the spa at Grove Park Inn. Rob proposed there in front of the fireplace at the Sunset Terrace on New Year's Eve and we returned to Asheville for our honeymoon. I can't wait to go back!

3) I was a vegetarian for 12 years. Now, I eat chicken, turkey & fish, but I still don't eat beef or pork. Probably never will.

4) I made almost everything for our wedding: from personalized bottles of water and hand stamped lowcountry grits packages to our programs and menus. I handmade chocolate seashells and tied ribbons around bells for guests to ring and swizzlesticks for our signature cocktails. I embroidered our married monogram on 100 linen napkins for our sit-down dinner. The stress of trying to get everything done just about killed me. It was completely worth it.

5) My favorite book is The Red Tent by Anita Diamant. I'm not religious, but this fictional story based on Dinah, Jacob's only daughter introduced in the book of Genesis, absolutely fascinates me. The strength and complicated relationships of the women in this book never fail to capture my attention and imagination. I've read it at least 2o times.

6) I love to give gifts-- I love planning, shopping, wrapping, surprising. One of my best gifts: My mom is one of those women who has everything so a few years ago, I decided to learn to sew and make a quilt to give her for her birthday (our birthday, actually!).

7) I love my puppies!! Tate (the black one) is almost five & Chloe (the brown one) is almost three. Tate is a crazy hyper boy and Chloe is a sweet and cuddly girl. They are polar opposites. I couldn't love them more!

And now...the Kreativ Blogger Award goes to...

::drumroll, please::

a+b, waiting for c

A Baby For Al?

From If to When

Park Slope Purgatory

The Impatient Optimist

This Place is Now a Home

Three is a Magic Number

Where Hope Grows, Miracles Blossom

...Tag, you're it!

Ok, I realize that this is 8 people, not 7-- but these ladies have all offered me support these past few months through their comments or their own posts and I just couldn't narrow it down.

Have fun and be Kreativ!

I Should Be Happy...

Who would have thought that the act of taking your temperature could spark tears that would last over an hour at 5am?

What I should feel is, "I think I may have ovulated, finally! YAY!"

What I actually feel is doubt, frustration and sadness. My charts have suggested I may have ovulated before, but never with solid CHs. FF seems pretty sure this time. Last month it was dotted CHs but only after I started taking the progesterone pills-- so I don't think that I did ovulate. And who knows? If I end up having lower temps in the next few days, FF may take away those CHs this cycle.

My tears this morning caused such tension with my husband... whose "fault" was it that we completely missed any possible fertile period? The truth is that we had both given up on this cycle. We got lazy about making an effort, just when it might have mattered most, and that makes me so upset. I'm really grieving the opportunity we may have lost this cycle-- the one that might have made us parents.

Our argument ended quickly with Rob (Thank you, honey. I love you.) telling me that he understands why I'm upset-- this of course made me cry harder. He asked me to try not to be upset-- After all, we didn't think we'd get pregnant this month anyway. He's right, but it still feels like a chance has slipped through our fingers.

Really, at this point, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I should take comfort in the fact that my body may have done the unthinkable: ovulate on its own. But I can't. Ovulating on CD40 is not really a good thing. It's not impossible to get pregnant ovulating that late, but it's very unlikely. The egg probably has not matured properly, hormone levels are likely off, and implantation would be difficult because my endometrial lining is old. Eww.

But still, it happens sometimes. So, I feel the pressure of possibility.

I realize that I need to cut myself (and Rob) some slack. I really do. We're closing in on nine months of worrying. 117 days straight of setting the alarm and waking up at 5am to take my temp. OPKs, Fertility Monitors, Saliva Tests, Checking CP & CM, Sex on Demand. Really, I've done everything I can do. Everything that we can do.

And yet, it never feels like it's enough.

Birthday Boy

Big Brother,

A wonderful 32nd birthday, I hope you have.
Love you!

The Big 4-0

Celebrating CD40.

If you're anovulatory and you know it, clap your hands!

::clap, clap::

Best. Invite. Ever.

I'm so lucky that I'm surrounded by brilliantly creative people all day. Often, I'm in awe of the skills that allow these ideas to come to life.

This is the greatest baby shower invitation I've ever seen (click on the pic for a larger image):

The genius who created this is one of my theatre's board members. Her baby (dubbed "Prince of Peace") is due on Christmas Day. The theme of her baby shower is a "Hollywood Premiere" and the movie poster is the front of her invitations. Adorable. Can't wait to steal, ahem, use it for inspiration one day.

Almost Famous

Two design blogs have featured products from my etsy site this week-- I am so honored be included in their list of favorite things. Please take a look at these ladies' beautiful blogs!

I Dreamed I Saw

The Old Post Road

I hope to make some time for sewing soon-- I have some wonderful new fabric that I haven't had a chance to work with, and would love to put some new items in the shop!

Make A Wish!

Kate over at This Place Is Now a Home reminded me that today is 11/11! I still, even as an adult, yell, "Make a wish!" every time I notice that the clock says 11:11... So in honor of today's date, I'm finally getting around to making my holiday wish list. (My parents and Rob have been asking for ideas for months, so it's time for me to get to it.)

Tiffany's Blue Box Charm: Would look great with the charm that my mom got me for my birthday!

Coach Penelope Wallet...

...would look great with the Coach Tote that I already know Santa is bringing!

As for some things for the house, we could really use a set of Corningware:

And I love these Peugeot Salt and Pepper Mills from Crate & Barrel:

Oh, and Santa? Could you throw in one of these?

We've been really good this year.

Game Over.

Dear Dr. Ob/Gyn,

You probably don't remember me, but I'm the girl that you've been seeing a lot of recently-- and your nurses have heard from me far more often that you have. I started seeing you a year and a half ago when we moved here because two family members were patients of yours and recommended you to me. Plus, you work in the hospital where I want to deliver. While I didn't instantly fall in love with you, I felt like you were "nice enough" because, really, how often could you and I possibly spend time together?

Well, as it turns out, we've been spending a lot of time together lately, and to be honest, I've been less than thrilled with the care you've been giving me.

Strike 1: When I came to your office for my "Trouble Trying to Conceive Appointment" no one seemed to have any clue what my appointment was for, or what they should do with me. I was shuffled into three different waiting rooms before taking a seat in your office. After waiting an hour and a half past my appointment time, you only spent 5 minutes with me. You barely glanced at my charts and barely heard a word I said... then just started tossing out words like "Clomid" before you had done a single test.

Strike 2: Your nurse last week informed me that based on my progesterone blood work that I didn't ovulate. True. She then told me that, if I hadn't ovulated by CD21, that I should give up hope for ovulating at all this cycle, because it wouldn't happen. Not true. I'm not quite sure what bullshit medical school she went to, but it's quite possible to ovulate late-- and since progesterone levels peak approximately 7-10 dpo, I could have ovulated CD18, CD19, CD20, etc and still had very low progesterone levels because the test was done too early. (I didn't ovulate any of those days...but she didn't know that.) Speaking with nurses that have always been polite, but don't know what they are talking about does not speak well for you.

Strike 3: While speaking with (another) nurse today, I was asked if I needed a prescription for Prometrium or Provera. (Is it not there in my file?!) When I answered "Prometrium" I was then asked if I'm allergic to peanuts. "No, I'm not, but if I was, would it matter?" The nurse replied, "Yes!! Prometrium has peanut oil in it and you shouldn't take it if you have a peanut allergy." Well, good to know that-- no one bothered to ask me that the last time they prescribed it. What if I had been allergic? Lots of people are! Thank God your little medical mishap didn't kill me.

I'll be asking the RE for her recommendations for a new ob/gyn. Three strikes and you're out. Game over.

XOXO,
Stef

No, We Ain't Gonna Take It

I guess my body didn't get the memo that the temp shift is supposed to go from low to high, not high to low.

After the conversation with my doc's nurse last week, she recommended that if I didn't get my period by CD35 (which since I didn't ovulate, isn't technically a "period" but whatever...) that I should call and get a prescription for progesterone to get this cycle over with.

I called this morning, but I'm not going to take it. Not yet, anyway.

Last month it was about 15 days from the day I started the pills until the cycle ended. If I start taking the pills now, I should get my "period" about six days before our RE appointment. Not good. I imagine the very first thing that the RE will do is order CD3 bloodwork (which my ob/gyn should have done when I asked about it last cycle) and if I'm already on CD6 at the time of the appointment, I'll have to wait until the next cycle (and Lord knows how long that will take) to start our testing. I don't want to do that, so I'm going to hold off another week or so before I start taking progesterone.

It's exhausing to have to constantly think about this stuff & be one step ahead, but hopefully, it will be worth it.

Uhh...Not So Much.

This weekend was Samford's Homecoming, so Rob has had to make an appearance at several events. Today, we had to go to the football game so that he could greet some of his prospects. I hate football, but if we have to go, at least we get to sit in the president's box. We talked to quite a few people, including an older gentleman who was a Baptist minister. After introductions and small talk, he looked at me and said, "So, do you have 5 babies at home?"

I felt my cheeeks flush & I managed to stutter, "Not yet. We're working on it." ::insert uncomfortable laugh:: Then, as if I needed to defend our childless state, I said, "We just celebrated our one year wedding anniversary." He congratulated us and moved on, but I thought about this exchange long after the conversation.

Certainly, this man meant nothing by his question, but if there's anything that infertility is teaching me, it's that you never know what other people are struggling with. Yet, when a question like this is asked, the onus always falls on us, the troubled ones, to make everyone else feel comfortable with our problems. To hide them.

How would people react if I answered questions like this honestly?

"5 Babies? No mister, we're struggling just to have one. Thanks for the reminder."

You've Got Mail!

A very important piece of mail arrived today.

Our "Welcome to Intfertility"Packet is here! (No, of course that's not what it really says.)

Over the next few weeks, in preparation for our first RE appointment, Rob and I will work through a mountain of paperwork answering questions about our sex life, our good & bad habits and both of our family medical histories.

Some interesting conversations have already come up. Tonight as Rob stood shaving at the bathroom sink I called out from the kitchen, "Hon, you've never gotten anyone pregnant have you?". He gave me a strange look, then his dry response, "Not that I know of," made me laugh. Obviously Rob doesn't have any children, but that doesn't mean I can assume he's never been responsible for getting someone pregnant. We don't know everything about each other's former lives and I prefer it that way. But if it's on the forms, I have to ask.

Wish us luck and a good sense of humor as we navigate this first step!

I Just Called To Say...

My mom called later last night to try to smooth things over. It was probably best to give things a few hours to let us both calm down.

She explained that she wasn't trying to tell me to relax because it will get me pregnant, but to try not to worry so much because everything is going to be ok, one way or another. I explained that it feels very condescending when she tells me to "just relax" because it makes it seem like I shouldn't be so focused on trying to get pregnant or that I have some kind of control over the situation.

As we talked, she suggested that maybe she should just listen for now and not offer opinions. I agreed that this would be best. If I'm facing a decision that I need assistance making, I will ask. Otherwise I just want her 100% positive support of the decisions we are making & have already made.

She told me that she wanted me to know that she wants grand kids, just as much as we want children and will support whatever path we have to take to get there. She even offered to help us financially if it gets to a point where we need it (which I'm certainly hoping it won't).

But most importantly, she just called to say she loves me.

If You Just Relax.

I'm an absolute mess tonight.

I just got off the phone after having a fight with my mother-- about my infertility. While she knows that we've been trying to get pregnant, and she knows how long we've tried, and she's aware that there is a problem, I've been feeling hesitant about discussing our next steps with her because I haven't felt like she approves.

It took my mom close to a year to get pregnant with my brother 32 years ago. And because she can only compare my experience with her own, she has seemed to think that I'm stressing too soon and possibly seeking treatment too early.

Tonight, when I filled her in on my most recent conversation with my ob/gyn (who today, told me to give up on ovulating this cycle and start progesterone again if I don't get my period by Monday), I was reminded that it took her a while to get pregnant. I was told that I'm not doing myself any favors by being so worked up about this. I was told the urban legend of pregnancy after adoption and couples who get pregnant when they give up hope. In short, she thinks I should try to relax.

Try to relax? Seriously? My job is stressful and I work all. of. the. time. I feel like I barely have any time for myself or my friends. I stopped taking my anti-depressants and my anti-anxiety drugs for the well being of this yet-to-be-conceived child. And now, I'm figuring out that there is something wrong with my body that is preventing us from getting pregnant. I feel like I'm constantly carrying weights on my shoulders. How exactly should I try to relax?

I tried to explain to her that this isn't just about stress... I'm not ovulating. There is a medical reason for it and if I had just "relaxed" and waited to start charting my temperatures, it only would have taken longer to figure that out. The longer we wait to figure out why I'm not ovulating, the longer it will be until we are able to get pregnant. I tried to tell her that this is a very sensitive subject. I tried to tell her that if I could just relax, I would. I tried to tell her that her comments don't make me feel supported. That her negativity towards the possibility of me taking Clomid (and her reminders of the multiples that might follow) do not help me.

She got defensive & I got angry.

She ended the phone call and told me to call her back when I've calmed down-- that was almost an hour ago and I haven't even considered calling her back. Not because I'm so pissed at her that I don't want to talk, but because I don't know what to tell her... How do you explain to someone who's never been though infertility, how it feels? The disappointment month after month, the distrust towards your body, the failure you feel when you can't give your partner what you both so desperately want? The sense of feeling broken: in your mind, body & heart.

I wish she would read this. And I wish I could tell her this:

"When you tell a woman to "relax" (with well meaning intentions) or that maybe now she'll get pregnant now since she's "not trying" or adopting, you are telling her that, in some part, she is to blame for this horrid experience that she and her husband are going through. Infertility brings on elements that are completely out of our control. This is the scariest part of it, the part that makes us go crazy, the part that induces stress. If there was any part, any part at all in this tumultuous journey that we could control, we would. And if it meant taking a seminar on releasing our stresses, going to the spa, taking a vacation, having a few drinks, trying not to "think" about it, we would..and chances are...we have."

:: sigh::

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not sure that we'll talk again tonight. I love my mom so much and her support is so important to me...which is why it's so devastating when I feel like I don't have it. I know that she thinks I'm being difficult and overly sensitive, but this is something that I need 100% support behind whatever I choose to do, every step of the way. This is the biggest, most important thing I've ever done in my life. This is my child.

My friend Em reminded me yesterday that infertility is a temporary state of being-- and I truly believe that. I really do believe that Rob and I will have a baby (hopefully several!). At this point, I don't know when that will be or what we'll have to do to get there. I don't know what the answer is. But, I'm quite certain it's not "relax."

And There You Have It

The lowest temp I've ever had:

Moving On

I've exclaimed, "We have a plan!" in several previous posts. I've come to realize that our plan is not static-- it will constantly change with each cycle and each doctor's appointment. We have one concrete, unchanging plan: to do what we have to do to get pregnant.

I've been torn the past few weeks... I've felt so unsure about what to do... Where to go from here? What doctor to see? What tests to take? How much money will we have to spend? Do I insist on further action or do I just take the Clomid that my ob/gyn recommended?

After much thought, I decided that I'm not comfortable with the treatment that I've received so far from my ob/gyn. While I'm thrilled that she's moving things along and she's ordered some tests, I haven't felt like she's given me the attention I deserve. She hasn't ordered all of the bloodwork that is involved in a basic "intertility workup." I feel like she's not giving my TSH levels enough consideration. She didn't mention doing an SA for Rob before starting Clomid. As an OB, she's constantly in and out of the office, usually running late, and doesn't take the time to discuss my concerns. I feel like I'm just shuffled through, each time I'm there. Perhaps most importantly, her nurse mentioned that she would be talking to me at my appt in Dec about possibly seeing a fertility specialist. Why wait? It's time to move on.

I want to see an Reproductive Endocrinologist. (RE)

I jumped in with both feet today, starting with a phone call to our insurance company to discuss our options. I made this call once before, a few months ago, and was told that nothing related to "infertility" was covered. That was disheartening, but not surprising. I decided to make a second phone call, now that I have some more specific questions to ask & I'm glad I did:

1) Office visits are covered, just like any other doctor's visit. The only thing that's different is that because an RE is a specialist, the co-pay is $40 instead of $25.

2) While "procedures" aren't covered (IUI, IVF, etc), some tests are. The insurance rep suggested that I get the billing code of all tests ordered to call and find out what the coverage is.

3) Some meds are covered-- Clomid for example, even though it's not a preferred brand drug, will be covered at 60% once I meet my prescription deductible (I'm about 1/3 of the way there for the year now).

4) A referral from an ob/gyn isn't needed. (Even though my ob/gyn mentioned she might be referring me anyway, I felt a little awkward about calling her, asking her to refer me to another doctor before she was ready to.)

So, I called Alabama Fertility Specialists today and made an appointment for November 30th. While I wish I didn't have to wait a month, the appointment is actually one day before my ob/gyn appt. is scheduled (which I'll probably still need to go to for my yearly exam). I'm so excited to meet my new doctor-- the receptionist assured me that I would absolulely love her and that she had a terrific bedside manner. In fact, there was another doctor in the same practice that had an appointment on the 18th, but she encouraged me to hold out for this doctor.

So I'll keep on charting, go in for my progesterone blood work, fill out our paperwork when it comes and countdown the days until our appointment. I feel very positive and hopeful about where this might lead us!

What Do You Think?

Temps dropped quite a bit this morning, but are still a bit elevated from where they were on Sat:

I decided to discard yesterday's temp to see what it did to my chart:

This looks far more accurate to me-- after all, the day FF claims I ovulated (if I include that temp), I had no fertile CM, Low CP & a negative OPK. It's not a ringing endorsement for ovulation.

So, here's my question: If I keep yesterday's temp discarded, and my temp stays up, FF will still add CHs in a few days, right? If I truly ovulated, getting rid of one random temp won't prevent my chart from showing that, would it?

Woah!

Holy Temp Spike!!

Brought to you, courtesy of our Halloween sponsor:

I'm pretty certain that dotted CH will go away after entering tomorrow's temp, but it's nice to look at a "normal" chart while it lasts...