Joy & Guilt

Life is really unfair-- this, I know.

Over the past year, I've read so many BFP posts. I could feel the joy radiating from women who were unbelievably excited that they were pregnant. As I read, I was really happy for them, but I was also very jealous. Tears of happiness (for them) and tears of sadness (for me) were almost always shed. I would find hope in the joy of women who were able to get pregnant, especially after infertility, but I would always wonder, "When will it be my turn? What if it's NEVER my turn?"

But it is my turn.
Over the past week, I've thought a lot about how lucky I am.

I've been thinking about Al, who is going through such a difficult & heartbreaking loss right now. I've been thinking about Colleen who recently went through a similar loss after waiting so long to get pregnant. I've been thinking about Egg, who is so patient and positive, yet yearns for a baby of her own. I've been thinking about TIO who has to think about MRIs in addition to appointments with REs. I've been thinking about Mrs. Lemon Cake who is pregnant for the third time in a year and is desperately hoping that the third time is the charm. I've been thinking about all of the women whose journeys I've been privileged to be a part of.

I still can't believe that 50mg of Clomid was all we needed to get pregnant. That's so amazing & yet so unfair....So many of you have done multiple IUIs or are moving on to IVF. I am so incredibly grateful that we didn't have to take that next step, but I can't forget about all of you that I care about, who DO have to take those steps... I'm feeling guilty that it was so "easy" for us and continues to be so difficult for so many amazing women.

I even feel slightly guilty about the sense of peace I feel about this pregnancy-- For someone who is constantly anxious, this is seemly impossible, but it's true. Yes, I was nervous about my beta blood work, but in my heart, I knew that it would be ok. I know that one week from tomorrow, I'll be full of butterflies as we go to our first ultrasound, but I truly believe that we will see a thriving little baby and a fluttering heartbeat. I know that at 5w5d we are far from being sure that this pregnancy will stick, but I'm trying to enjoy every moment of our miracle and not let the worry of what could be interfere with what is...

I remember how distant I initially felt from bloggers with BFPs-- I would read their posts and feel truly happy for them, but I no longer felt like we really connected as they had triumphed over IF and I had not. I felt their hope, but not their happiness. But now, reading the blogs of all of those women who travel with me through IF is a reminder-- not only where I've been, but where I (possibly) may end up again.

No matter what happens with this pregnancy, please, never let me forget how lucky I am.