Change.

It's a new year. One that will being many changes for our family.

 I have some news that it’s time to share…And it’s probably pretty surprising.

The week before Christmas, I filed for divorce.

This was not a surprise to Rob & he was in total agreement that this is the right decision for us… but I understand that this may seem like it came out of nowhere. I assure you, it didn’t.

My blog is not anonymous. My name, my husband’s name and my children’s names are splashed all over the place. I’m a firm believer that you just don’t talk about these kinds of things… not here, not where the story is one sided. Not where the words we write will live forever. So, any struggles that we’ve had in our marriage have remained absent from this space, because it’s the respectful thing to do.

And I want to be clear—that will not change. Might I vent about any frustrations in our situation that (I’m sure) will arise as we transition into the future? Absolutely. But never in a way that is malicious or unfair. My husband’s family reads this blog & one day, our boys might. I never want to discuss the intimate details of our private problems in such a public way.

So, “Why?” you might be asking.

This is a decision that I’ve thought about for a LONG time…something I’ve considered (and we’ve talked about) for years. But, I’ve always felt like I should continue to work on things… I felt guilty for “giving up” on my marriage. I take my vows very seriously, and I’ve always wanted to do what’s in the boys’ best interest. I’ve struggled— feeling like making the decision for us to split was selfish. But we’ve been in and out of counseling our whole marriage and our last round finally gave me the peace to say that we did everything we could to make it work…and it’s just not working.

The short answer is: We bring out the worst in each other. I’m tired of my boys seeing the worst version of me. They deserve the best.

So, how am I feeling?

I’m sad. (I had faith for a long time that we just needed some help learning to communicate better.) I’m scared. (How will I take care of a 1 year old and a 2 year old most of the time on my own?) I’m relieved. (I don’t have to dread doing this anymore because it’s done.) I’m hopeful. (I would love for Rob and I to be able to co-parent peacefully.) There’s so much to process… I’m sure it will take a long time to sort out all of these feelings.

But I wanted to put it out there… that this is the big change that I referenced in previous posts. This blog has been such an amazing source of support for me—through infertility & two pregnancies. I’m at another huge crossroads in my life and I hope that I feel the same reassurance that I’ve felt in the past by writing in this space. Despite the big changes ahead, we’re going to be ok. I’m going to be ok.

Two boys. One mom. Challenge accepted.