In 2009, I paid my dues to the IF Club.
In 2010, I entered the Mommy Club.
In 2011, I might be joining a new club: 2 under 2.
Yes, you read that right—I’m pregnant.
I’ve hoarded this secret for about a week now—Unsure how to share the news. This was not expected. We were not trying. We’re going with the word “surprise,” rather than “accident.”
Considering that my son has not even reached his half birthday yet, you might be wondering how I’m feeling about this. The short answer is that it depends on the day (hour, minute, etc). The longer answer is a bit more complicated.
On one hand, I’m thrilled—another baby!! I feel so lucky that we didn’t struggle to get pregnant with the second. What a blessing! I hope that everything is healthy & that my pregnancy goes smoothly. I hope that Liam and this child will grow up and be the best of friends because of how close they will be in age. Although I can never imagine loving another child as much as I love Liam, I’ve been assured that I will. I believe it. I hope that the size of my heart will double & wrap itself around this new baby. We knew that we wanted more children, and although we had no intentions of it being any time soon, life had other plans for us.
On the other hand, I’m struggling terribly with this news. I feel like I haven’t fully recuperated from my pregnancy, labor and delivery with Liam that happened less than 6 months ago. I’m absolutely terrified of the idea of caring for a newborn and a 14 month old simultaneously. But worst of all, I’m crippled with guilt thinking about how this will take away from Liam’s babyhood. I think about how fiercely I love him—so much that I don’t want anything (even my own second child) to take this time with him away from me.
Do I understand how nasty those words might sound to someone who is still struggling to start their family? Of course I do. I haven’t forgotten where I came from. But this place is for me to work through where I am right now—which is planted firmly in the middle of a confusing/happy/shocking/ stressful miracle. I’ve nearly driven myself crazy over every ambivalent, negative or guilty thought that I’ve had over the past week… trying (with gritted teeth) to convince myself that I couldn’t be happier about this. And that feeling will come. I know it will.
But for now? The truth is pretty simple: I’m overwhelmed. As I imagine most people would be in this situation.
After lots of late night talks with Rob, sharing the news with a few other IF friends & taking comfort in my family, I’m starting to cut myself some slack & not judge myself for what I’m feeling. My pregnancy with Liam was the result of working with a fantastic doctor after much longing, stress & worry. I had years to prepare myself for the moment I saw those two pink lines. This time, I didn’t.
Moments of happiness and peace have come in waves & I cling to them to get me through these early moments of uncertainty. Our first ultrasound is coming up soon & it reminds me what a miracle it was to see Liam’s tiny heartbeat flickering away on the screen for the first time. How could we not be in awe of the wonder of a new life, if all is progressing well with this baby? It seems impossible that we won’t be attached from that moment on, regardless of the shock that we’re in now.
I look at Liam and think, “If I love the next baby HALF as much as I love him, we’re going to be just fine.”
And I know we will be.