Sunday, March 20, 2011

Joining the Club

In 2009, I paid my dues to the IF Club.
In 2010, I entered the Mommy Club.
In 2011, I might be joining a new club: 2 under 2.

Yes, you read that right—I’m pregnant.

I’ve hoarded this secret for about a week now—Unsure how to share the news. This was not expected. We were not trying. We’re going with the word “surprise,” rather than “accident.”

Considering that my son has not even reached his half birthday yet, you might be wondering how I’m feeling about this. The short answer is that it depends on the day (hour, minute, etc). The longer answer is a bit more complicated.

On one hand, I’m thrilled—another baby!! I feel so lucky that we didn’t struggle to get pregnant with the second. What a blessing! I hope that everything is healthy & that my pregnancy goes smoothly. I hope that Liam and this child will grow up and be the best of friends because of how close they will be in age. Although I can never imagine loving another child as much as I love Liam, I’ve been assured that I will. I believe it. I hope that the size of my heart will double & wrap itself around this new baby. We knew that we wanted more children, and although we had no intentions of it being any time soon, life had other plans for us.

On the other hand, I’m struggling terribly with this news. I feel like I haven’t fully recuperated from my pregnancy, labor and delivery with Liam that happened less than 6 months ago. I’m absolutely terrified of the idea of caring for a newborn and a 14 month old simultaneously. But worst of all, I’m crippled with guilt thinking about how this will take away from Liam’s babyhood. I think about how fiercely I love him—so much that I don’t want anything (even my own second child) to take this time with him away from me.

Do I understand how nasty those words might sound to someone who is still struggling to start their family? Of course I do. I haven’t forgotten where I came from. But this place is for me to work through where I am right now—which is planted firmly in the middle of a confusing/happy/shocking/ stressful miracle. I’ve nearly driven myself crazy over every ambivalent, negative or guilty thought that I’ve had over the past week… trying (with gritted teeth) to convince myself that I couldn’t be happier about this. And that feeling will come. I know it will.

But for now? The truth is pretty simple: I’m overwhelmed. As I imagine most people would be in this situation.

After lots of late night talks with Rob, sharing the news with a few other IF friends & taking comfort in my family, I’m starting to cut myself some slack & not judge myself for what I’m feeling. My pregnancy with Liam was the result of working with a fantastic doctor after much longing, stress & worry. I had years to prepare myself for the moment I saw those two pink lines. This time, I didn’t.

Moments of happiness and peace have come in waves & I cling to them to get me through these early moments of uncertainty. Our first ultrasound is coming up soon & it reminds me what a miracle it was to see Liam’s tiny heartbeat flickering away on the screen for the first time. How could we not be in awe of the wonder of a new life, if all is progressing well with this baby? It seems impossible that we won’t be attached from that moment on, regardless of the shock that we’re in now.

I look at Liam and think, “If I love the next baby HALF as much as I love him, we’re going to be just fine.”

And I know we will be.


  1. Congratulations, Stefanie! Hope you, Liam, and now the new little one are doing well. Happy and healthy 9 months to you!

  2. Stef, you're doing great. One day at a time. Love you, girl.

  3. Congratulations!! You will do a great job with Liam AND Baby #2!

  4. Hello Stephanie, this is my first time commenting on your blog. I found you on Twitter through ABbaby4Al and Trinity. First off I want to say congratulations. What amazing news! I also want to say that my reactions to you news mirror exactly how you are feeling. My first is envy that you are pregnant and on your way to your second child. I still feel so much anxiety about whether that will happen for me (even though there is no reason to think that it couldn't or wouldn't, but it's my nature to assume the worst). Then my second thought is, oh my god that will be SO HARD! I can't imagine two under two, let along two under 1.5! So I think your reactions are totally understandable. In fact, I think you'd be naive not to feel exactly as you do. Those feelings will help you be prepared and hopefully patient with yourself when things get overwhelming.

    Congrats! I hope this pregnancy goes smoothly. I'm wishing you a happy and healthy nine months!

  5. omg omg omg omg omg!! i'm sooooooo excited for you!!!!!!!! you can do it! my friend found out she was preggo with #2 when #1 was only 4 months old. cant wait to follow you on this new journey :)

  6. I just wrote a long comment and the Blogger deleted it!!! arggghhh!! It will have to wait until nap time.

  7. You already know how I feel :)
    Many hugs sweet friend!

  8. First, CONGRATULATIONS! You are already such an amazing mom to Liam that I know you will not only be just fine, your family will thrive. And you are right, Liam will have a built-in best friend- what a lucky little dude!

    Second, I would be feeling EXACTLY how you are if I was in your position. My husband is already talking about number 2, but I want to hold number 1 close and not have anything take away from my time with him. So NEVER feel guilty about how you are feeling because anyone in your position would feel exactly the same.

    Thank you for sharing- I look forward to hearing all about this new journey and cheering you on. Hugs, and happy 6 months tomorrow, Liam!

  9. I hadn't read your blog before but my wife Kate (@nowahome) told me your news. This was a beautiful post and it brought tears to my eyes. Your children will be well-loved constantly. I have no doubt.

  10. What you are feeling is totally normal! I would be flipping out if I found out I was pregnant again. Hang in there. It will be awesome.


  11. This is so awesome/crazy/wonderful, and yes scarey! My son is too five and a half months and I remeber being about to POP at the computer reading your birth story sobbing my eyes out!
    I cant imagine what your going through but I think in time it will all fall into place!
    God knew it was time for your family to get a growing! ;)

  12. Glad the word is out now!! Love you friend!!!!

  13. Stef, I can't even tell you how SURE I am that you and Rob and Liam are going to welcome this baby into the world with open arms. Liam will grow to realize how LUCKY he is to have a little bro/sis so close in age, even if he doesn't totally "get" it right away. And although I only have one and can't speak from experience, I can just about guarantee that your heart will open wider than you ever thought possible to welcome this little bundle.

    Don't stress about what you aren't feeling yet. You will. And don't stress about what you are -- you're totally allowed. Think of how many times your mind has changed since you found out this amazing news. You will get there. And you will be a fabulous mom to TWO beautiful kids.

    It's going to be so great. I can't wait :)

  14. Oh, such exciting and scary news! I can only imagine how your heart will swell with 2 babies under your roof to love. Congratulations, and all the good wishes in the world for you and Rob!

  15. Oh my! Congratulations!! We are actually in conversations now about when we will start trying for #2 because we want them very close in age and aren't expecting to have it that easy, considering. But I fully understand that feeling of guilt--I don't want to make my baby a big sister just yet. I want her to be my baby forever and it's a tough decision to make...or, in your case, to have made for you!

    In the end, I know you will settle into this new reality and everything will be great. I hope you have a great pregnancy and am wishing you lots of peaceful vibes!! :)

  16. Wow - what a shock! Congratulations, Stef!

  17. Congratulations!! I found your blog through Kate from now a home. I have been where you are...twice... I have a 3 year old, a 2 year old and a 1 year old. Everything you're feeling is completely normal, the anxiety, the happiness, the fear, all of it, and it may not go away until you're holding that baby in your arms, but then there will be no doubt that this is what is meant for you, and what is meant for your husband, and what is meant for sweet Liam. I still occasionally struggle with guilt feelings of not being able to give them each very much time to be "the baby", but this is what was meant for us, and none of them will ever remember a time when they were "the baby" so there will be no feelings of resentment for that.

    I'm not gonna lie and tell you it's easy, because it just plain out is not. It is hard, it's a lot of work, and there are a lot of timing issues with 2 so small, but what I can tell you is that this is just a season of your lives, they will get bigger and things will get easier, and it goes unbelievably fast.

    You can do it, if I can do it, you most certainly can. Life will be different than you have imagined it would be, tings won't go exactly like you want all the time (ok, almost never) but it'll be ok, you'll figure out really quick what is truly important, and you will focus on those things.

    So welcome to the club!! It's a crazy crazy ride, but one I would never want to live my life without having experienced.

    One last thing, your hear will definitely grow, there's more room in there than you can imagine, and when you see Liam kiss the boo boo of baby #2 to make him or her feel better, it will grow again.

  18. Wow!!! What crazy (good) luck! I love this post, because you seem to put all of these feelings into words so well. being pregnant again has to be incredibly stressful, a exciting as it is. As another commenter said, Liam won't mind, he'll be happy to have such a close sibling. But for you, yeah, it sounds like it will be rough for a little while. But SO WORTH IT!!

  19. Wow!! What an amazing miracle! I think all your feelings are totally understandable. Congratulations!!!

  20. I just found your blog via a friend. My little guy has the same birthday as Liam! I can completely understand how shocking and overwhelming this must be for you. But you'll find a way to make it work, and before you know it, you won't be able to imagine life without your two miracles. Best of luck!

  21. *hugs* Don't you DARE beat yourself up over feeling this way. I know right now if I found out the same news, I'd be feeling very overwhelmed as well! I'm still dealing with baby blues and hormones - the idea of another baby right now would send me to the loony bin!

    Congrats on your new baby though, it is my dream to not struggle getting pregnant with #2 as well, even though I'm so NOT ready to try for him/her yet!

    This is your blog to post your feelings so feel free to do so. I vented on mine yesterday and it felt good to get it all out there and not feel like such a fraud in life.

  22. Congratulations! What joyous news!! I must say my mouth went gaping open when I read this!!! Not because I was in shock but because I was overjoyed to hear you didn't have to struggle! I know that this will be a huge change for your entire family and will take a while to get used to the idea. It is for sure meant to happen ;o)

  23. I think those feelings are completely normal. It took me 13 months to get pregnant with my son and we are NFP now and I know I'd feel the same way if I had gotten pregnant when James was 6 months old. I am starting to warm up to the idea of baby #2 though :) Congrats!!