Come ON!

Cycle Day 36 and STILL no action. Never have I wanted my period to come so badly. I figured, based on previous months, that I wouldn't go longer than 35 days, but of course I was wrong.

Cycle 1: 33 days
Cycle 2: 40 days
Cycle 3: 34 days
Cycle 4: 31 days
Cycle 5: 36 days and counting

Out of desperation (and pathetic hope) I took a pregnancy test yesterday which was a complete waste of time and money as my chart has made it pretty clear that I didn't even ovulate this cycle. (Last time I checked, it was impossible to get pregnant without ovulating.) Big. Fat. Negative. Surprise, surprise.

After establishing "The Plan" and having something to look forward to, the wait is excruciating... and since I have my appointment to go over everything on Oct 12th, I'm running out of time to get my bloodwork done. I have to get my period, then wait 21 days to have the bloodwork done, then give the lab time to return the results to my doctor-- all in less than a month. AND I DO NOT WANT TO POSTPONE THAT APPOINTMENT! I'm stressed about it which is probably delaying my period, which makes me more stressed, which delays....

Rob and I were talking last night as we tried to fall asleep. He's getting frustrated. As much as I don't want him to feel that way, it was really nice to hear. It's a little isolating to feel like you're the only one to worry. Rob is such a laid back guy that he rarely stresses about things, and he always has the attitude that everything will work out. While he's still sure that everything will be fine, he admitted that this has taken longer than he thought it would and that he's ready for it to happen. We spent some time with our two nieces last weekend (ages 16 and 6 months) and it made both of us long for a baby of our own.

But for now, we wait. Wait for my period to come, wait for the bloodwork to be done, wait for the appointment with the doctor, wait for additional tests to be ordered...wait for a miracle. We wait for our baby.

P.S. No more Zoloft. No more side effect.

I hate Zoloft.

It's only been a week, but I can tell already that this isn't going to work-- the side effects will outweigh any benefits. Let's just say that attempting to make a baby hasn't been as enjoyable as it should be and I don't need any added anxiety about that. This is a really common side effect of taking SSRIs, so I'm not surprised...just disappointed.

Cycle Day #33...come on, body! You know I'm not pregnant, so why do you tease me? Perhaps it's so I can continue looking at this effing ugly chart every day:

Sigh. Hopefully my period will come soon so we can get this show on the road!

Down Low

Nothing to really get excited about, but I was pleased to see that the monitor showed a different reading this morning. I'm not happy that this indicates the lowest fertility point, but at least it's a change from the past 19 days of "High" readings.

The Plan

We have a plan.

It's no secret that I've taken Wellbutrin and Ativan to help me cope with depression and anxiety for years. Well, when we started trying to get pregnant, I stopped taking both of these. Wellbutrin is considered "safe if absolutely necessary" but I decided that I would try not to take it unless I really had to. Ativan is 100% not safe for pregnancy. The lack of these meds that I've depended on for a long time has really left me feeling a little out-of-sorts on some days. While I'm content to stay off the Wellbutrin for now, I'm feeling the need to find something to help with my anxiety. I'm a naturally anxious person, working in a high pressure environment and I worry (of course I do...) about the stress that my anxiety takes on my body. So I called my OB/GYN and had a long conversation today about what we can do. Zoloft is completely safe for pregnancy, so we're going to give that a shot. I'll start with a low dosage and see how it goes.

While I had the nurse on the phone, I was able to ask some questions about where we are... I told her that I was coming up on six months of trying to conceive and that we haven't had any luck yet. I've been using the Ovulite since March to attempt to pinpoint when I'm ovulating. In the middle of my 4th cycle I started charting my temps, but I haven't seen a clear thermal shift that indicates I'm ovulating. Then, for my 5th cycle I started using the ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor. So far, I've had 18 days straight of "High" readings with no "Peak." The monitor is still "learning" me, so that alone doesn't worry me... But the combo of 5 cycles (I'm quite certain we'll move on to cycle six next week) with no luck, no clear BBT shifts AND no peak days? I'm a worrier. It's hard not to be concerned.

The nurse was extremely friendly and suggested that if we don't get pregnant this month, I come in on CD21-23 next cycle to have some bloodwork done. They'll test my progesterone levels and this will determine whether or not I ovulated. In addition, she told me to keep charting and keep doing the fertility monitor and saliva tests. She set me up for an appointment on October 12th. On that day, we can look over the charts, talk about the bloodwork and make a plan.

I feel great about this.

I understand that it can take healthy couples up to a year to conceive and that I know we haven't been trying that long... it's just that I have a nagging suspicion that something isn't quite right...and I don't want to wait another six months to find that out. I've felt kind of helpless the past 5 months. I started charting and using all of the ovulation tests so that I would feel proactive, but when the results haven't been clear, it's made me feel a little lost... like I don't know & can't trust my body. And if I don't know if/when I'm ovulating, we're really at a loss as far as timing each month.

I'm thrilled that my OB/GYN wants to see me--by the time my appointment rolls around, we will have been off of birth control exactly seven months. I feel like making this appointment is taking control and moving forward-- hopefully, that big fat negative will be a little easier to take this time around, knowing that, in six weeks, I'll (hopefully) have a clearer picture of where we are. In fact, I hope my period arrives soon so that I can go ahead and schedule the bloodwork! I'm optimistic that all tests will come back normal, but if they don't, at least we won't just be sitting around waiting.

We have a plan!

New Cycle, New Toys

Another month down. As we begin Cycle #5, we've added a few things to try to help our chances of conceiving. Behold, our new toys:


I've started charting my Basal Body Temperature and we're using a Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor. I set the alarm for 5am each morning to check my temperature. Last month, I was checking it at 7am, but it's recommended that you check your temp after three consecutive hours of sleep. Well, since I share a bed with a notorious leg-twitcher and three dogs, I was often getting woken up around 5-6am. I didn't want this to throw off my temps by taking them at different times each day so that's why I started setting the alarm so early each morning.

I have been using an Ovulite Saliva Ovulation Predictor Test the past few months and it has consistently shown a ferning pattern that would indicate that I was ovulating, but since it doesn't actually measure any hormone levels, I wanted to use some other methods to confirm. Charting your basal body temperature is a great way to confirm ovulation, as temps are low before ovulation and then shift upward afterwards. However, so far, my temperatures have been all over the place and don't seem to be following any clear pattern. I haven't ovulated yet this month (I'm only on Cycle Day 8), but here's what my chart looks like:


You really can't determine anything from one chart, but if I have a few months of temps that look like this, a trip to the doctor might be in order. Who knows, maybe I'll still see a clear shift later this month, but with temps that are up and down like a roller coaster, I'm not feeling too positive about it. We'll see...

After seeing how wacky my temps were most of Cycle #4, I decided to go ahead and buy the fertility monitor. I figured that since this is a device that actually measures my hormone shift, it would given me the most accurate indication of ovulation. Plus, the fact that I'm combining it with charting my BBT and still using the Ovulite, I figured that I was set. Well, The CBEFM asks for tests starting with day #6 of your cycle. I did one on Friday and immediately got a high reading, followed by highs on Saturday and today. WTF? In past cycles, from what I can tell, I haven't ovulated until between Cycle Day #16-#22. So, I may have 10-16 high days before I hit a Peak day? Seems crazy. The instructions for the monitor warn that it uses the first month to "learn" your cycle, so I'm not sure I can trust what it says just yet. I guess that while it's registering as high, it may just not understand what's high for me. Maybe next month (if we don't get pregnant this month!) will be clearer.

In other news, I've already moved into a "nesting" phase... As we know that there are things we will need for a baby, I've been trying to pick things up where I can, so that we don't have to buy a bunch of stuff when we find out we're pregnant. My aunt Kathy recently moved to TX and gave us some GREAT things including this adorable changing table:

It's perfect for storing all of my fabric-- the room that will eventually be the nursery is my sewing room for now. And while we won't need it for quite a while, it makes me happy that it's there. It's a reminder of good things to (eventually) come.

We had another addition to the room this week. A co-worker of mine gave us her glider that she used when her girls were little. (Thanks Gracie!) It's green gingham now (so cute!) but we'll probably have it recovered by the time we need to use it. I've wanted a rocker/glider that looks like an armchair (I like them better than the wooden framed ones) and this one is perfect:

So, I've been sewing tons of fun baby stuff (for everyone else), we have fabulous new baby furniture, and high tech gear to help us conceive, but no baby on the way. I'm feeling kind of...stuck. 5 Cycles is long enough to start getting frustrated, but not long enough to indicate that there are any problems. It's likely that we're both fine and that we'll get pregnant in the next seven months (odds are in our favor) but that just seems like an eternity when we're ready for it now. So, I'm reading and making and sewing and gathering... doing everything I can to help me feel like I'm not just waiting.

The gadgets and the furniture are not just a distraction-- they help me feel proactive. Sure, we may not be pregnant yet, but I'll have a super comfy chair to nurse in when the time comes and for now, I have a great place to sit and read. I may not have a baby whose diaper needs to be changed, but I have a great place to store fabric and sewing supplies. And I may not have hit a peak on the fertility monitor yet, but using it helps me learn more about my body, which is always a good thing.

Kathy, before she moved, gave me a magnet that has been passed down through several women in my family as they were waiting for their babies. It said: "Between the wish and the thing, life lies waiting." I'm trying to keep that in mind these days as we prepare for what, hopefully, is to come.

Practice...

I've started sewing again lately. A co-worker of mine recently had a baby shower and I made her some custom burp cloths as a gift-- it really pushed me to get back into creating. I finally got my etsy site back up and running and I've made baby shoes, burp cloths, dresses and bibs. I actually made my first sale today! I have a new sewing/embroidery machine and I've had a lot of fun learning how to use it the past few weekends. Not only does it make me happy to make something cute for someone else, but I also enjoy practicing and perfecting my sewing skills, so that when the time comes, our little one will be the best dressed baby on the block.

Speaking of practicing, we're into our 4th month trying to conceive and honestly, we're a bit restless. We both want a baby so badly, and while we realize that these things just take time, neither of us are wanting to be patient. The good thing is that our restlessness seems to come in waves and it doesn't seem to hit us both at the same time-- when I'm frustrated, Rob reminds me that our time will come. When Rob is longing, I'm able to remind him that, "There's always next month." And it's true-- while the past several months have been a little disappointing, each month is a new opportunity for a miracle.

So, we'll keep trying, and eventually, I know that practice will make us a perfect little one.

Here goes...

Big changes are (hopefully) in store for the Blakelys...

A month ago when I created this blog, I thought it would be quite some time before it got any use.. and while it still might be a while, I have a feeling that it will be coming sooner than I thought.

They say that the first year of marriage is the hardest and we believe it! 2008 was a crazy year for us: We got engaged, moved to Birmingham, each got a new job, bought 2 new cars, got married and bought a house. We couldn't have packed more life-changing events into such a short period of time, and that was a big source of stress. But the wedding is over and we're left with amazing memories of a perfect day. The stress of purchasing a house is done and we're loving our new "home." And each week of our marriage seems to bring a new understanding of each other, better communication, and a greater excitement about our future.

I recently stumbled upon a great opportunity in my career. As I went through the process of learning about the job and eventually receiving an offer, Rob and I talked a lot about the future and what our plans entail. When it came down to it, I declined the job, telling them that I didn't think it would be fair to accept the position because we want to start our family in the near future. Their response was that they wanted me to join their team regardless of our plans to have a baby. I can work full time now and when the time comes, work from home or work part-time. Music to my ears. This is the type of position I've dreamed of... I happily accepted and I start mid-April.

Things are falling into place, just as we had hoped. We've had many conversations over the past few weeks that have all resulted in the same decision: We're ready to have a baby. We've spoken to my ob/gyn about the next steps, we've stocked up on books, I've cut out caffeine (a big step for me!), I'm exercising regularly, I've stopped all medication that could be harmful, I'm taking pre-natal vitamins, and of course, the big thing is that we're no longer on birth control.

So, next month, the waiting game begins... Rob has sweetly reminded me not to stress-- that this part is supposed to be fun! His relaxed demeanor is one of Rob's best qualities-- a sharp contrast to my constant anxiety. I'm sure I will worry more than he will, but I believe that this is just part of being a woman who wants to be a mother. Rob will be 40 in two weeks and I'd love to give him a baby before his next birthday, but nature will take its course, and when the timing is right, we'll be blessed with a little one of our own. We're already day-dreaming of what we'll name him or her...

When there's news, I'll post again-- Wish us luck as we start this new adventure!