Sunday, January 17, 2010

Joy & Guilt

Life is really unfair-- this, I know.

Over the past year, I've read so many BFP posts. I could feel the joy radiating from women who were unbelievably excited that they were pregnant. As I read, I was really happy for them, but I was also very jealous. Tears of happiness (for them) and tears of sadness (for me) were almost always shed. I would find hope in the joy of women who were able to get pregnant, especially after infertility, but I would always wonder, "When will it be my turn? What if it's NEVER my turn?"

But it is my turn.
Over the past week, I've thought a lot about how lucky I am.

I've been thinking about Al, who is going through such a difficult & heartbreaking loss right now. I've been thinking about Colleen who recently went through a similar loss after waiting so long to get pregnant. I've been thinking about Egg, who is so patient and positive, yet yearns for a baby of her own. I've been thinking about TIO who has to think about MRIs in addition to appointments with REs. I've been thinking about Mrs. Lemon Cake who is pregnant for the third time in a year and is desperately hoping that the third time is the charm. I've been thinking about all of the women whose journeys I've been privileged to be a part of.

I still can't believe that 50mg of Clomid was all we needed to get pregnant. That's so amazing & yet so unfair....So many of you have done multiple IUIs or are moving on to IVF. I am so incredibly grateful that we didn't have to take that next step, but I can't forget about all of you that I care about, who DO have to take those steps... I'm feeling guilty that it was so "easy" for us and continues to be so difficult for so many amazing women.

I even feel slightly guilty about the sense of peace I feel about this pregnancy-- For someone who is constantly anxious, this is seemly impossible, but it's true. Yes, I was nervous about my beta blood work, but in my heart, I knew that it would be ok. I know that one week from tomorrow, I'll be full of butterflies as we go to our first ultrasound, but I truly believe that we will see a thriving little baby and a fluttering heartbeat. I know that at 5w5d we are far from being sure that this pregnancy will stick, but I'm trying to enjoy every moment of our miracle and not let the worry of what could be interfere with what is...

I remember how distant I initially felt from bloggers with BFPs-- I would read their posts and feel truly happy for them, but I no longer felt like we really connected as they had triumphed over IF and I had not. I felt their hope, but not their happiness. But now, reading the blogs of all of those women who travel with me through IF is a reminder-- not only where I've been, but where I (possibly) may end up again.

No matter what happens with this pregnancy, please, never let me forget how lucky I am.


  1. This is a beautiful post Stef. In my humble opinion, once you're part of the IF gang, you're stuck with us through both good and bad. Please don't feel guilty. I know it is both common and natural for IFers to feel guilty about their pregnancy; and I know that you are lucky - but it is nothing more than you deserve. Remember you deserve this. We all deserve this. And I truly share your joy.
    For me personally, your success makes my lack of success (so far!) easier to bear, not harder. I can't wait to learn more and more about Baby Blakely. What an adventure you are on!

  2. There is no reason to feel guilt over something so wonderful! I am happy that you were finally able to get your BFP and I see all BFP as rays of hope that they can happen. Not everyone will get one but it's great to celebrate with those who do! I wish you a H&H 9 months!

  3. Stef, you are a good, good egg. This post shows so much sensitivity and love for the women that you have supported for many months. I love that it only took you 50mg of Clomid, I think we should celebrate that!

    I'll be reading along as you go through this new journey!! Keep that peaceful feeling going, it's awesome.

  4. You are so lucky, but soooo deserving. I feel happy to read BFPs...they give me hope. Enjoy every second of this wonderful time! Don't let guilt spoil anything!

  5. Very beautiful post, Stef. I felt similar pangs of guilt for other IFers that I care about after I got a BFP after only one IUI.

    I'm glad you feel peace with this pregnancy and I hope with all my heart that this is it for you; that you are this lucky. You and your husband deserve it. I can't wait to hear how the first ultrasound goes. I hope everything continues to go smoothly and you continue to enjoy the pregnancy.

  6. You are such a wonderful person, Stef. Please don't feel guilty. I KNOW that's easy for me to say, but really: We are all SO happy for you. You are so deserving of this miracle. Anyone who goes through IF is, regardless of whether it happened naturally, on drugs, or they went through 8 rounds of IVF. We are all equally deserving. I know you will never forget where you came from, because that's the part of you that's going to make you a better mother than most. You will be a step above other mothers having gone through IF.

    I can't wait to follow your journey from pregnancy into motherhood. It's going to be an awesome, awesome experience.

  7. I just started following and I'm so happy for you! And you writing a post like this just shows what a sweet and caring person you are to think of our feelings. I'm glad you feel at peace and I hope that continues for the next 35 weeks! =)

  8. Never feel guilty for your BFP. All of our paths through the land of IF are different-some shorter some longer, and at some point we all will feel guilty about something along our journeys. Don't let your guilt consume you so that you won't enjoy your pregnancy.

  9. Sweetie, I just got home and read this post and it really made me cry. I'm so glad you're not worried and anxious and I so want you to have the healthy first pregnancy I didn't get to have. You're an exceptional friend, and any momentary twinge of sadness or envy I may have reading of your good fortune is always tempered by how much I truly want everything to be perfect and easy for you.

    And I KNOW when I'm with you in pregnant land again, you'll be my biggest supporter.