Infertility is, unfortunately, no stranger to my real life circle of friends or family for that matter. One family member adopted, one used fertility treatments & two of my dear friends from college are currently struggling to get pregnant.
The first, has a beautiful two year old son—the result of her 3rd IVF. They’ve just started the journey of providing him a sibling & it’s already been a rough road.
The second, is not as open about her struggles. She and her husband are private people & while she would be willing to answer any question I asked, she does not openly discuss the issue. I do know that they’ve been trying to get pregnant since we started TTC, maybe before. I do know that she’s upset, frustrated, heartbroken that they have not been able to get pregnant so far. Her husband travels a lot for work, so they dismissed much of the first year and a half of trying as just bad timing. But I know that she knows, at this point, there’s something else going on. What I don’t know, is if/when they’ll pursue testing and treatment.
I don’t talk to her as often as I’d like… we live states away & seem to have completely opposite schedules. She doesn’t read the blog & since I’m not on FB (no clue if she is) we don’t keep up that way either. Our communication consists of a few phone calls a year…but even though we don’t talk often, she’s very dear to me and I would do anything to avoid hurting her.
I need to tell her I’m pregnant… and I absolutely dread it.
This girl is the sweetest, most selfless person I’ve ever known. She never puts herself first. Telling her I was pregnant with Liam wasn’t easy, but she was so happy that we were pregnant, I can honestly say that I doubt she even paused to consider the fact that she was not. (You know—the typical I’m happy for you but sad for me IF emotion? I don’t know how, but she doesn’t do that.) She was so happy for us, so glad we liked our RE, so glad the Clomid worked.
But a surprise pregnancy is a different beast.
It’s SO unfair. I know that this is on the major list of IF etiquette no-nos to say this… but I would have given anything for this pregnancy to have been hers instead of mine. She’s been so patient… she’s been so kind, and yet still, she waits. Of course, I’m thrilled about this baby… but I could have waited. She’s waited long enough.
She called me the other day & I stared at the phone ringing in my hand until it rolled over to voicemail. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t break her heart. I couldn’t tell her that, again, it’s someone else’s turn and not hers.
She’ll be happy for me, I know it, because that’s just who she is. But I just want so desperately to have the opportunity to be happy for her…for her to get her wish and bring home her baby.
I’ve decided to e-mail her instead of calling her. I hate doing it this way, but I think that giving her a chance to read the news and digest it however she needs to would be much better than putting her on the spot and forcing her to react over the phone.
So, friends, any words of advice as I write this difficult email? I’m hoping to focus primarily on talking about where they are in their journey, but this news needs to be shared before I get any further along… I don't want her to feel isolated by not sharing the news, but I dread it anyway.