Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I Should Be Happy...

Who would have thought that the act of taking your temperature could spark tears that would last over an hour at 5am?

What I should feel is, "I think I may have ovulated, finally! YAY!"

What I actually feel is doubt, frustration and sadness. My charts have suggested I may have ovulated before, but never with solid CHs. FF seems pretty sure this time. Last month it was dotted CHs but only after I started taking the progesterone pills-- so I don't think that I did ovulate. And who knows? If I end up having lower temps in the next few days, FF may take away those CHs this cycle.

My tears this morning caused such tension with my husband... whose "fault" was it that we completely missed any possible fertile period? The truth is that we had both given up on this cycle. We got lazy about making an effort, just when it might have mattered most, and that makes me so upset. I'm really grieving the opportunity we may have lost this cycle-- the one that might have made us parents.

Our argument ended quickly with Rob (Thank you, honey. I love you.) telling me that he understands why I'm upset-- this of course made me cry harder. He asked me to try not to be upset-- After all, we didn't think we'd get pregnant this month anyway. He's right, but it still feels like a chance has slipped through our fingers.

Really, at this point, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I should take comfort in the fact that my body may have done the unthinkable: ovulate on its own. But I can't. Ovulating on CD40 is not really a good thing. It's not impossible to get pregnant ovulating that late, but it's very unlikely. The egg probably has not matured properly, hormone levels are likely off, and implantation would be difficult because my endometrial lining is old. Eww.

But still, it happens sometimes. So, I feel the pressure of possibility.

I realize that I need to cut myself (and Rob) some slack. I really do. We're closing in on nine months of worrying. 117 days straight of setting the alarm and waking up at 5am to take my temp. OPKs, Fertility Monitors, Saliva Tests, Checking CP & CM, Sex on Demand. Really, I've done everything I can do. Everything that we can do.

And yet, it never feels like it's enough.


  1. It's been a long time since I've charted, but I say it's still possible that you hit your O time. Your temp shift isn't 100% clear, and FF has been wrong in the past. I hope that you didn't miss O time and you caught the egg.

    Having a baby feels like rocket science sometimes, doesn't it? I'm glad your hubby was understanding. :)

  2. Oh Stefanie, it sounds so upsetting. I totally know how you feel. Every time I get AF I think back two weeks and wonder whether we were doing the right things at that time. But you have to stop being so hard on yourself. There are no rules to this baby-making business! It's ok to be sad about a possible missed opportunity, but no one is to blame.

    Just remember that not getting PG in a particular cycle is not a judgement on how hard you worked or how much you wanted it.

  3. You poor thing. You are not alone with the out of the blue meltdown, but I am so sorry you had one. They suck. You are also not alone in giving up on a cycle. Last cycle, after 11 straight days of doing the deed, hubs and I had a very long dry spell. We were both tired of trying, tired of timing, just plain old tired of doing it (the horror!)! (We do have our mojo back, thank the lord.) I think your post very effectively conveys why it's important to have sex every 2-3 days (at least) no matter how doomsday the conception scenario is looking.

    All of that said, keep your chin up on this cycle. It's not over til it's over!!!!

  4. Katie, Impatient & Egg-- Thank you ladies so much for your support. When you're just having "one of those days" nothing is better than the kind words and wisdom of ladies who truly understand. XOXO.

  5. Stef, my fingers are crossed so hard for you. Even if your timing was off this month (and I do know how frustrating and frequent that is, as a fellow irregular/long-ish cycle gal) I'll look on the bright side for you and say, yay ovulation! Yay eggs doing their jobs! You've got good eggs in there and one day they'll make a baby.

  6. Never give up hope!! If this cycle doesn't happen for you, the positive thing is that your body is functioning how it should be to get pregnant. Still, fingers crossed until AF sings!

  7. I'm so sorry, this must be so incredibly frustrating. My O date was off by just 2 days of normal and I was miscounting the days this month and I got so frustrated after I realized we'd missed the window. I can only imagine how frustrating and upsetting this is. But it happened this time means it can and will happen again.

    Keep your head up and try not to be hard on yourself. Hugs!

  8. Colleen, Courtney and Al-- Your daily encouragment keeps me going on days that I feel like giving up...You guys are the best and I appreciate every word of support. XOXO.