I'm an absolute mess tonight.
I just got off the phone after having a fight with my mother-- about my infertility. While she knows that we've been trying to get pregnant, and she knows how long we've tried, and she's aware that there is a problem, I've been feeling hesitant about discussing our next steps with her because I haven't felt like she approves.
It took my mom close to a year to get pregnant with my brother 32 years ago. And because she can only compare my experience with her own, she has seemed to think that I'm stressing too soon and possibly seeking treatment too early.
Tonight, when I filled her in on my most recent conversation with my ob/gyn (who today, told me to give up on ovulating this cycle and start progesterone again if I don't get my period by Monday), I was reminded that it took her a while to get pregnant. I was told that I'm not doing myself any favors by being so worked up about this. I was told the urban legend of pregnancy after adoption and couples who get pregnant when they give up hope. In short, she thinks I should try to relax.
Try to relax? Seriously? My job is stressful and I work all. of. the. time. I feel like I barely have any time for myself or my friends. I stopped taking my anti-depressants and my anti-anxiety drugs for the well being of this yet-to-be-conceived child. And now, I'm figuring out that there is something wrong with my body that is preventing us from getting pregnant. I feel like I'm constantly carrying weights on my shoulders. How exactly should I try to relax?
I tried to explain to her that this isn't just about stress... I'm not ovulating. There is a medical reason for it and if I had just "relaxed" and waited to start charting my temperatures, it only would have taken longer to figure that out. The longer we wait to figure out why I'm not ovulating, the longer it will be until we are able to get pregnant. I tried to tell her that this is a very sensitive subject. I tried to tell her that if I could just relax, I would. I tried to tell her that her comments don't make me feel supported. That her negativity towards the possibility of me taking Clomid (and her reminders of the multiples that might follow) do not help me.
She got defensive & I got angry.
She ended the phone call and told me to call her back when I've calmed down-- that was almost an hour ago and I haven't even considered calling her back. Not because I'm so pissed at her that I don't want to talk, but because I don't know what to tell her... How do you explain to someone who's never been though infertility, how it feels? The disappointment month after month, the distrust towards your body, the failure you feel when you can't give your partner what you both so desperately want? The sense of feeling broken: in your mind, body & heart.
I wish she would read this. And I wish I could tell her this:
"When you tell a woman to "relax" (with well meaning intentions) or that maybe now she'll get pregnant now since she's "not trying" or adopting, you are telling her that, in some part, she is to blame for this horrid experience that she and her husband are going through. Infertility brings on elements that are completely out of our control. This is the scariest part of it, the part that makes us go crazy, the part that induces stress. If there was any part, any part at all in this tumultuous journey that we could control, we would. And if it meant taking a seminar on releasing our stresses, going to the spa, taking a vacation, having a few drinks, trying not to "think" about it, we would..and chances are...we have."
I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not sure that we'll talk again tonight. I love my mom so much and her support is so important to me...which is why it's so devastating when I feel like I don't have it. I know that she thinks I'm being difficult and overly sensitive, but this is something that I need 100% support behind whatever I choose to do, every step of the way. This is the biggest, most important thing I've ever done in my life. This is my child.
My friend Em reminded me yesterday that infertility is a temporary state of being-- and I truly believe that. I really do believe that Rob and I will have a baby (hopefully several!). At this point, I don't know when that will be or what we'll have to do to get there. I don't know what the answer is. But, I'm quite certain it's not "relax."