Thursday, December 17, 2009

Final Answer?

I was prepared for this. I'm ok.
Today is slightly better than yesterday and I'm confident that tomorrow will be even better.

I was in such a funk Tuesday. Work was terrible and unbelievably stressful. I am the Director of Development for a non-profit theatre. I'm a staff of one. This is both a blessing and a curse as I have lots of freedom in my job to pursue fund raising the way I want, yet the weight of funding all of our shows and programs (and salaries!!) falls directly on my shoulders. After much lobbying over the summer, we were able to convince our city to include us as a line item in the 09-10 Budget for $80k. Well, our fair city is going through lots of turmoil right now, including a 20 million dollar budget shortfall. I woke up Tuesday morning to a lovely article in the paper that informed me that the city was considering making cuts... and the article mentioned us by name.

I can't describe the tailspin that occurred next... Panic in the office between my Executive Director and I. Months of paperwork had to be pulled. A trip down to City Hall. Advocacy e-mails were requested of our Board, our Youth Program Parents, our Members, our Patrons...I wrote the mayor, the city council, etc. The city's offices were flooded with support. $80k is a lot of money to lose, and not only do I consider what that loss would do to the quality of our productions, but also how it would affect the lives of the 17,000 kids we reach with our Outreach program each year. Hell, I worry about who could lose their job if we can't afford to pay them anymore.

Although we don't have an answer yet, it appears that we have lots of supporters on the city council and they are responding to our advocacy. This should help. We've also been assured that any money that gets cut may be written into next year's budget-- and since the city's fiscal year starts a few months before ours, it's possible for us to get all of the money we need by the end of the year (which is August for us).

Tuesday night, I had a bit of a breakdown. We knew this cycle was a bust and that the Clomid wasn't working. I said to Rob, "I guess I was just hoping that all of my worries were wrong... that the 50mg would work and it would prove that everything is really ok and that we really didn't need much help... but now I feel like..." Rob finished my sentence, "...we know that there really is a problem." I burst into tears and he just hugged me as I sobbed. I've made the mistake of reading several of the infertility articles in the NY Times lately (like this & this) and the nasty comments are crushing. They all came to mind on Tuesday night as I cried...

"If you can't conceive naturally, maybe it's Mother Nature's way of telling you NOT to pursue this."

"Excessive WASTE in medical bills! No one - not one person - is so valuable that such efforts should go into passing on their genes. It is over-the-top narcissism pure and simple."

"Much like baldness and erectile dysfunction, I find it incredible that so much money, time and brainpower is being spent "curing" a problem like this instead of cancer, heart disease or AIDS."

"I would suggest that infertility is God's way of telling couples that they should not have children."

"Having a child is a privilege nature grants you. Sometimes you're not selected for this privilege."

"Nature is a great editor of what should not be."

Obviously, I know that these comments are absurd and that the people who wrote them most certainly take for granted the miracles that their bodies create without assistance. But the fact of the matter is, I am not one of those lucky ones. And in my moments of weakness, these comments really sting. BUT, I REFUSE to believe that I'm not supposed to be a mother. I am so hopeful that our next cycle of Clomid gives my eggs the boost they need and that our journey to become parents will not be a (very) long one... Rob and I have started talking about IUI... I'm not there yet, but we've agreed that if we aren't successful in the next few cycles, we will probably go for it. I have some reservations about it (another post, another time, I'll get over it), but as Rob said, "We want to be parents, so we'll do whatever it takes."

Last night was a good night. I came home a little late (Had to go get my highlighted hair "fixed"-- they did it Tues night and messed it up. Messed it up again last night. Whole other story.) and made some dinner. I made fajitas, my go-to meal when I really don't feel like cooking. Rob and I had dinner together, then I went out for frozen yogurt with my cousin for some great girl time. I was so tired when I got home that I really wanted to start winding down for bed-- I decided to take a bubble bath (Thanks for the suggestion, Courtney!) and guess who decided to join me? My fabulous husband. Things have been a bit icky this week and this reconnection felt amazing. Bed followed, and even though it doesn't look like we'll be making a baby this year, we still enjoy the practice. (And what a great way to relieve stress!!)

Thanks to everyone who helped me get through a really difficult week-- I am so lucky to have people who understand what this feels like. Your comments and hugs mean the world to me!!


  1. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "that the people who wrote them most certainly take for granted the miracles that their bodies create without assistance".

    How would THEY feel had the tables been reversed - saying "God has decided that your genes are not perfect enough to pass onto the next generation. Therefore your only option is to adopt if you want a family."

    It would sting. People jump to their opinions without stopping to think of how they would feel if they were in that situation. I'm sorry you're going through all of this but so glad that you and your husband are still getting through it - together.

  2. Ohhh, Stef, I am so sorry. What a week. Sounds like you have crawled out of the absyss, and I am so happy to hear you and hubs had a wonderfully relaxing evening together!

    I so hear you on those horrible moments when the gravity/frustration/fear of this journey hit you like a ton of bricks. For this whole year I've been clinging to the hope that I could get pregnant by def puts a little catch in my throat if I think about it too much, but I'm trying to focus on the joy that awaits in 2010. :)

    As for the OPK testing, there is a chance the stupid sticks didn't pick up your surge. Not to get your hopes up, but when I had a "weak" ovulation (but ovulation nonetheless!), I never got anything close to a positive.

  3. The work drama and the IF drama are a lot to handle in one week. A big hug to you, it's so frustrating. And just b/c 50 mg didn't work doesn't mean 100 mg of clomid won't work for you, right?

    Those NYT comments are absolutely horrible. Before ppl say crap like that, I think they should stop and consider if their son/ daughter was struggling with IF, would they tell them that their genes aren't meant to be passed on? I'm guessing 99% of the time their answer would be no. So freaking insensitive.

  4. I'm no doctor, but I guaran-frickin-tee you that none of those assmunches has spent a day in your average labor and delivery ward. I think if they saw the delightful genetic specimens apparently "chosen" (or "edited" or what the fuck ever) by "nature" to pass on their oh-so-valuable DNA they'd rethink that position.

    UGH! I guess reading those comment quotes made me angrier than I thought it would.

    You are going through a really rough time right now, and I'm so sorry. But it's not your fault. It's just 2009! Trust me, this year was cursed from the get go, but things are going to be GREAT for you in 2010. Join me in embracing the Awesome Year of Hope and Achievement.

  5. I've heard about the comments on those NY Times articles, but I haven't read any of them until now. The internet, unfortunately, seems to bring out the worst in people sometimes. I know I'm a good person and so is DH, and we would have wonderful smart kind children - just because our babymaker's not in tip-top shape doesn't mean our DNA is crap. So don't ever believe those things!

  6. Oh, Stef, I'm so sorry. What an awful culmination of events. Gross.

    First of all, stop reading those horrible articles. I can't even read them without getting angry, sad and overwhelmed with frustration at the general level of stupidity in the world. Save yourself the grief and try not to read them.

    And also, I know it seems impossible right now, but trust the process of working with Clomid. Starting small and increasing each month is the right way to find the right level for you... and unfortunately it just takes time. You WILL be a mother, just not necessarily on your own timeline.

    HANG IN THERE and try to enjoy all the "practicing" and living life until then.

  7. So sorry this cycle didn't work out. I know all too well how it feels! I did 3 rounds of Clomid at 100mg and nada!

    I agree in that 2009 was crap-tastic and 2010 will on be better!