Decisions

I've made a few decisions today, regarding how I want to continue TTC from here.

1) I quit using the CBEFM today-- not forever, just for this cycle. Since it's become pretty apparent that I'm not ovulating, I feel like every time I pee, I'm throwing away money. At $1 per test stick, it's just not worth it-- I'll save them for a cycle where there's a chance it will matter. Before you optimists tell me not to give up hope, I will finish the box of cheap opks that I have. They have to be used within 30 days of opening them, so I'm not going to waste them. (I've used 15 CBEFM test sticks this month, so I'm simply stopping 5 days early. It will give up on me in another 5 days anyway-- the machine will not let you test for more than 20 days. How's that for optimism?)

2) If my ob/gyn returns my test results next week and offers a plan that is anything less than aggressive, I'll will try to make an appointment with an endocrinologist for a second opinion. As nice as my ob/gyn is, this isn't her specialty, and I want the best care possible. I've been slightly unnerved since last week when I was told that my TSH was at the high end of normal. After lots of reading, I've found that plenty of labs still consider a range of 0.5-5.5 "normal"-- however, these labs are quite behind in offering aggressive treatment for their patients. I'm not advocating taking meds that aren't necessary, but I feel like these elevated levels are directly related to why I'm not pregnant yet. I'm always exhausted, I'm always cold, I've gained weight, my body temps are low and I'm not ovulating. I wrote so much of this off as depression-- but now I'm quite certain that there's another issue that needs to be addressed.

The phrase that I keep running into over & over again on website after website is this: "Some endocrinologists believe that a woman with suspected thyroid disease may have difficulty getting pregnant and/or maintaining a pregnancy at a TSH higher than 2.0." 5.51 is where mine was last week. We've been trying so desperately to get pregnant for almost 8 months now, but is it really a blessing that we haven't had any success? I can certainly say that I would rather feel the frustration and sadness of not getting pregnant, than the emptiness and devastation of losing a baby.

3) I'm going to make it a point to enjoy this time with my husband. So much of our time together the past few months has been plagued by my worries, tears, fears & frustration. In fact, I started worrying about the problems we were going to have the month we started trying to get pregnant. I'm not saying that I'll be able to live worry-free in regards to trying to have a baby. I can't. But I'm going to try to celebrate our progress more and focus on our stagnancy less. I'm lucky that we are going forward with testing now, instead of waiting another four months until we hit the year mark. Instead of being irritated that I have to wait a week for my test results, I'm going to try to focus on the fact that my doctor is doing more tests to help pinpoint what is wrong, how to fix it and find the best way to help us conceive our baby.

I'm going to try remember that this freedom that we have to enjoy each other's company will one day be overshadowed by the needs of a little one: lazy Sundays in bed, trivia on Tuesdays, and dinner date nights will be hard to come by... and while I have no doubt that everything that we'll give up will be worth it, I know that I should savor these things while I can.

I have a feeling that we still have a bumpy road ahead...but I've made the decision to do my best to enjoy the ride.