Friday, October 23, 2009

Job Opportunity

Job Position:
Parent: Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
(Rob will send in his resume for the position of Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop.)

Job Description:
  • Long term, team players needed for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
  • Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills.
  • Must be willing to work variable hours which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
  • Some overnight travel required (including trips to primitive camp sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities).
  • Travel Expenses not reimbursed.
  • Extensive courier duties also required.
  • Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily until someone needs $5.
  • Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
  • Must possess physical stamina of a pack mule and go from 0 to 60mph in 3 seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not just someone crying wolf.
  • Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
  • Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
  • Must have the ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
  • Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and a total embarrassment the next.
  • Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
  • Must assume final complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Possibility of Advancement & Promotion:
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

Previous Experience:
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Wages & Compensation:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

While no health insurance or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth growth, unconditional love and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

** Footnote**
There is no retirement-- EVER.

It's funny, even when you put it like that... It's a job I'd take in a heartbeat.


  1. Yeah--terrifying, but so appealing at the same time.

    You go back for more testing on Monday, right? Fingers crossed for you.

  2. Yes! Monday! Thanks for sending good thoughts my way. :)

  3. haha I love this.
    I'm applying for the same position, with a different family. haha